I Run For the Glory

Labor of Faith

2011-12-27T12:53:00.005-06:00

It was not a silent night;
there was blood on the ground.
You could hear a woman cry,
in the alleyway that night,
on the streets of David's town.

And the stable was not clean;
and the cobblestones were cold;
and little Mary full of grace,
with tears upon her face,
had no mother's hand to hold...

I attended an Andrew Peterson concert recently with a couple of dear friends, and, during a heart-stirring rendition of the song, "Labor of Love," the band projected a picture of Mary and Joseph's silhouettes, on their long and arduous journey to Bethlehem. Stage right of the band was a beautifully decorated Christmas tree, frosted with strings of fairy lights and tinged with hues of purples and blues.

I stared at the tree, and then back up to the image of Mary and Joseph, riding their lone donkey, in the middle of the vast and barren terrain. Alone. By themselves. So tiny and small. Tears began to swell, as I started to envision me and Jimmy, sitting by ourselves in our new apartment in California, while our family and friends merrily rang in the new year, hundreds of miles away.

Why are we going to California, God?? I wiped away tears of fear, trying to pretend that I was sniffling because of the song. My mind continued to spiral down depressing thoughts. To everyone else in this room, they're all focused on celebrating the Christmas season, and they have nothing else to occupy their energies. No one else has to pack up their entire life to move to a completely unfamiliar place, where they'll have no friends around! No one realizes how afraid I am! No one realizes how stressed and tired and overwhelmed I feel, and...that's all we'll have in California...no one.

...it was a labor of pain;
it was a cold sky above.
But for the girl on the ground in the dark,
with every beat of her beautiful heart,
it was a labor of love.

Noble Joseph by her side,
calloused hands and wearied eyes;
there were no midwives to be found,
on the streets of David's town
in the middle of the night.

So he held her hand and prayed,
shafts of moonlight on his face;
but the baby in her womb
He was the Maker of the moon,
He was the Author of the faith
that could make the mountains move...

A couple of days later, I dug up an old Christmas-time, daily devotional that I received in Echo, back in 2005 (thanks Leslie Chiang and Cheryl Fletcher!), and I started trying to meditate on Scripture each morning to refocus my perspective. There wasn't one passage in particular that instantly switched off my sour attitude; however, one night, as we were lying in bed, I started to retell my thoughts from the Andrew Peterson concert to Jimmy.

As I shared, I began to find comfort in the parallels between our life and Joseph and Mary's. Mary was already well-along in pregnancy when she and Joseph needed to up-heave their life to journey to Bethlehem, and, judging by the fact that they had to find shelter in a stinking stable, I'm assuming they didn't have family or friends in town. If I were Mary and heard about the census issued, I seriously would have been like, "WHAT THE HECK, GOD??" *point to swollen abdomen* "DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THIS??"

But Mary and Joseph trusted in the sovereignty of their God, and they obediently and faithfully set off on their journey. God knew His plans for them, and He knew His plan for their baby. He had His beautiful plan for humanity, and it was to come into fruition in Bethlehem.

I don't know what plans God has for us in California, nor do I know how long He will even keep us there. I don't know what friends we might find, or how profoundly this new chapter will affect our life. But I do know that my God is faithful, and that He loves us perfectly. Jesus is my proof.

With that reminder, I pray that the Holy Spirit will continue to keep my perspective in Christ, and that He would replace my attitude of complaint and fear with one of hope and thanksgiving.

...It was a labor of pain;
it was a cold sky above.
But for the girl on the ground in the dark,
with every beat of her beautiful heart,
it was a labor of love.

For little Mary, full of grace,
with tears upon her face,
it was a labor of love.

Life Change #3 - Moving

2011-11-29T12:22:00.006-06:00

It's said that the four biggest life-changes that occur in a woman's life are marriage, the start of motherhood, moving, and the loss of a loved one. Well, I guess since I've already knocked out the first two, God's decided that it's time for the third major shake-up: moving.

Yup, in just a few weeks, I will officially be a California girl. Say what?! I still can't believe it either. We only signed the paperwork a couple weeks ago, and it's taken me awhile to digest the reality of it all. The journey we've come through over the past five months has been a tumultuous one, to say the least.

I'll admit that when Jimmy received his first opportunity to an interview in Boston, I was thrilled! Though I calmly kept my composure on the outside, I already started to fantasize about our family's new life on the East Coast. In fact, I'd even gone shopping for a new wardrobe! However, upon further discussions after Jimmy's return, we realized that, while the opportunity in Boston seemed professionally prestigious, we would have to sacrifice time for family, time for relationships, and time for each other. Boston was ultimately a no-go.

A couple weeks after that, Jimmy flew out for another interview, this time, in California. I secretly prayed for miraculous news from Boston. Unfortunately for me, Boston remained quiet. Over the next month, Jimmy and I finally decided that California would be the next step for our family. So-Cal is a mecca for Biomedical Engineering, the area we'll be living in is wonderfully family-friendly, and we already have plenty of relatives and friends in the state (albeit, a very large state).

Though our planning process and decision-making has all been logical, and, while I trust and believe that God is indeed leading us out West, I have felt, to be completely honest, disappointed.

I've always dreamt of moving to the Northeast. There is so much about the East Coast that I admire: history, diversity, lifestyle, hustle-and-bustle, seasons, the strive for excellence, the respect for efficiency (very appealing to the Type A personality in me). For so long, I've looked forward to one day making a life out there. So, right now, as a friend put it, I'm grieving the loss of my dream.

What's more is that, while I enjoy vacationing in California, I've never seen the lifestyle and culture as a good fit for me (or vice versa). I don't care for beaches, I don't care that the weather is consistent all year around, and I don't care about keeping up a lifestyle of appearing rich and glamourous. And strangely enough, don't judge, but...I'm also weary of the huge Asian population there (and fine. Maybe that's a reflection of my own identity issues, but regardless, as of now, I don't like it).

What's also incongruous about this whole situation is that part of the reason that Jimmy and I chose California as our destination is because we agreed that moving there would cause us to completely depend on God (thanks a lot, Francis Chan). I know it sounds like I'm complaining a lot (which, fine, I am, but let me have my vent right now), but I do sincerely believe that God is trustworthy and faithful. God and I have gone through enough together that I not only trust that He knows what He's doing, but that He's looking out for us, for me, just as I would for Chloe (but in a perfect and holy way).

So, my friends, we'll be packing and saying goodbye in the next few weeks. We're officially moving right after Christmas, but we'll be out of town as of December 18th. It's slowly sinking in that we're leaving, and I don't think I'm emotionally ready for farewells yet. I'll leave that for another post at another time. For now, I'll just share this:

There came a point in my life when I came to a fork in the road. One path was that of self-preservation: knowing that we would eventually move after Jimmy graduated, we could settle for superficial relationships, never commit to anything, and easily pick up and go whenever the time came. The other path required more effort to go down: we would have to be intentional with pursuing people, be present and vulnerable with others, and share our lives. The first path looked easy on the outside, but was ultimately rooted in fear. The second path was likely to feel scary at first, but would turn out to be the most life-giving, life-changing, and rich in love.

I'll always be thankful that God helped us to choose the latter.

Dear Chloe - about bedtime

2011-05-05T18:41:00.004-05:00

My dear little Chloe-Bun,

Mommy just put you to bed, and I just want to journal these thoughts quickly before I lose them.

I truly cherish and enjoy the sweet moments that we have together, just before you go Night-Night. It's just you and me. The lights are dimmed down, your Polar-Bear humidifier is quietly humming, and the ceiling fan turns a modest, cool breeze. I'm holding you in my arms, and I'm singing your bedtime song, "Before the Throne of God Above."

Did you know that your bedtime song is the same song that Mommy walked down the aisle to, when Mommy and Daddy got married? It's a beautiful song that tells us about how much God and Jesus love us! We are not good enough to be with God, because God is always good, and He is holy. But because God loves us and wants us to be with Him, God made His son, Jesus, a human-being. Jesus obeyed God and died on a cross for us, so that afterwards, now, God always sees us as good, and we can be with Him! (Okay, if this is confusing for you, ask Mommy or Daddy to explain more.)

Nothing will ever change how much God loves you, just like nothing will ever change how much Mommy or Daddy love you. You are our beautiful, precious, sweet Chloe-Bun!

I love how, as I sing softly to you, you'll lean and rest your head onto my chest. Sometimes, you will sing along with Mommy. Sometimes, you're too sleepy, and will yawn and quietly listen. Other times, you still try to stay active, and you'll point at the door or other objects around the room, to try to get me to let you play. But I can always tell when you're tired, so I just continue singing, swaying, stroking your hair and your back, kissing you, and soothing you.

We really only have about five to seven minutes together, because afterwards, if Daddy or other people are over, everybody will come in quietly to pray a bedtime prayer with you. Then all your stuffed-animal friends will say "Night-night," one by one. It's really quite fascinating to watch you anticipate each one's kiss or hug, starting with Fatty, all the way to Pooh Bear. You're so kind.

Soon, you'll be too big for Mommy to carry and sway with while singing, and one day, you might feel as if you are grown-up enough to not need Night-Night time.

...okay, Mommy's not going to think about that day right now, because for now, you still enjoy it, and so do I. Aside from Jesus and Daddy, Chloe-Bun, you are God's greatest gift to Mommy that Mommy never even knew she wanted. I love you, my Love!

-Mommy.

May 5, 2011, Thursday.

Before the throne of God above,

I have a strong and perfect plea --

A great High Priest whose name is Love,

who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on His hands,

my name is written on His heart.

I know that while in Heaven He stands,

no tongue can bid me thence depart,

no tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair

and tells me of the guilt within,

upward I look and see Him there,

who made an end of all my sin!

Because a sinless Savior died,

my sinful soul is counted free!

For God, the Just, is satisfied

to look on Him and pardon me,

to look on Him and pardon me!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Praise the One, Risen Son of God!

Behold Him there, the Risen Lamb!

My perfect, spotless, Righteousness!

The great, unchangeable I AM,

the King of Glory and of Grace!

One in Himself, I cannot die.

My soul is purchased by His blood.

My life is hid with Christ on High,

with Christ, my Savior and my God,

with Christ, my Savior and my God!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Praise the One, Risen Son of God!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Praise the One, Risen Son of God!

Love Dare - Day 22

2011-04-22T18:12:00.005-05:00

Love is Faithful

I wanted to bawl and punch Jimmy in the face at the same time. He was on the other end of the phone, waiting for an answer from me.

It was Friday night, and I had seen my husband for a grand total of about two hours since we arrived into Houston on Wednesday. We were in town for a business competition, and Jimmy had the MS 150 and another research experiment ahead of him in the upcoming week. Since Monday, I had been washing laundry, washing diapers, ironing shirts, preparing baby food, storing up milk, and packing -- packing for Jimmy's business competition, packing for Jimmy's bike race, packing for Chloe, and oh yeah, packing for myself. For anyone who doesn't yet know, getting out the door anywhere with an infant is already an ordeal in itself. Traveling to a different city to stay for several days? We might as well just move. It would take the same amount of effort.

After arriving in Houston, I'd driven to the Medical Center about fifty times, pumped out about four-hundred gallons of breast-milk for Chloe (so that my mom could feed her while I was out taking care of my husband's needs), pumped WHILE driving to the ONE REI that carried the white, Pearl Izumi Size Medium bike jersey that my husband absolutely needed in order to successfully ride the MS 150, and also somehow managed to help clean my parents' house, get groceries for them, and help cook.

To make things even more interesting, Jimmy's plans kept changing. First, we were only staying 'til Saturday afternoon. Then we going to have Chloe stay through Monday (which meant I had to start a breast-milk pumping marathon), while I dropped Jimmy off at the MS 150 mid-point in La Grange, and then return to Houston after the race. Now, at 10:00pm on Friday night, Jimmy called, asking if we could change plans for a third time. I felt like that god-forsaken Sisyphus, rolling that blasted boulder up that blasted hill in Hades.

I thought about the Challenge for Day 22, how "love is a choice, not a feeling," and how my vows to love Jimmy require daily commitment. I thought about it, and I wondered, "WHEN IN THE WORLD WILL IT BE MY TURN TO CATCH A BREAK??" I sincerely wanted to support Jimmy in his career, in his work, and in his extra-curricular interests; however,...

...I was honestly more concerned with how the change in plans was going to affect ME. After all, I was the one who would have to deal with Chloe's disrupted awake/sleep patterns; I was the one who would have to pack everything up to be ready to head out early on Saturday morning; I was the one who would have to coordinate Chloe's eat/sleep/play/poop schedule with driving ten-plus hours and with hosting out-of-town friends; and then I would have to haul everything back to Houston again.

Fear, weariness, and frustration started to bubble up in me. I told Jimmy I would have to call him back, and I quickly hung up the phone.

Lord, what do I do?? How am I supposed to be a supportive wife and a nurturing mother, when I am at the edge of my sanity?? Am I being selfish in just wanting some normalcy??

I called my aunt for some wisdom, and bless her heart for allowing me to interrupt her late-night meeting. She reminded me of these important facts:

1. the busyness was only a season...albeit, a month-long season, but still. It was only temporary.

2. Jimmy was working so hard because he was looking out for our family -- causing him to feel guilty about the "undue" stress I felt at the moment wouldn't affirm or encourage him as a man or as a husband.

3. the relationship between a husband and wife is more important than the relationship between a parent and child -- supporting Jimmy is priority over my desire to keep Chloe on a consistent routine.

Hard facts for me to swallow, but I knew they were true. I recalled how, just a couple weeks earlier, when Jimmy was wearily telling me of the upcoming busy season, I confidently assured him that I could take care of everything so that he could focus all his energies on his work. This was where the rubber met the road.

Lord, give me strength, guard my tongue, and keep me from believing lies of the Enemy. Help me to support and affirm my husband.

I called Jimmy. "Okay, we can leave early tomorrow...I love you."

Love Dare - Day 21

2011-04-08T18:37:00.005-05:00

Love is Satisfied in God

"And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:19, NASB

This has been one of the most emotionally exhausting weeks of my life. My friend just aborted her 7-week-old baby today, and I am grieving, mourning. On top of that, Chloe suddenly spiked a fever of 102.6-degrees yesterday, and, though I am not anxious or panicked about it, simply giving extra TLC has required a lot of energy (and cleaning her one-jillion toys hasn't been quick either). All this compounded onto the fact that Jimmy and I have been on different pages for the past several weeks, and the constant miscommunications and misplaced expectations have been wearing my optimism thin.

Nonetheless, the Holy Spirit has continuously reminded me of the Challenge for Day 21, to intentionally make time to pray and read Scripture and to meditate on God's promises, so here I am, weeping.

I weep for my friend's unborn baby, whose life was willed into existence by the Lord (Revelations 4:11, NASB), and whose presence was skillfully woven and formed with wonder and reverence by God Himself (Psalm 139:13-15, NASB).

I weep for this baby, whose days were already numbered by God, even before conception (Psalm 139:16, NASB; Job 14:5, NIV).

I weep and ask God to remind me of His sovereignty and justness, that He answers the cries of the voiceless and carries the weak and afflicted (Psalm 82:3-4, 140:12, NASB).

I weep and ask God for His comfort, in hope that this baby, though just having passed through life here on earth briefly, is now back in the arms of his Creator Father, to spend eternity blissfully and peacefully with Him, perfect and complete (Colossians 2:10, NASB).

I pray for my friend's heart, that she would know that Jesus came and already died for her sins, and that by His blood, she is covered in God's forgiveness and grace (Romans 5:8-10, Colossians 1:13-14, Psalm 103:12, NASB).

I ask for God to strengthen Chloe's immune system, decreasing her fever and rebuilding her health.

I ask for wisdom and faith, that I would follow the Spirit's direction on how to care for the child God has given me.

I confess my self-centeredness, how I take out my frustrations on Jimmy, nitpicking my way through our home, as if the momentary sense of control I gain from that will somehow make everything right in the world (James 4:1-3, NASB).

I confess my lack of energy and desire to focus any attention on Jimmy or on my marriage, and I ask the Holy Spirit to manifest His generous love and steadfast spirit in me to tend to Jimmy's interests (Philippians 2:4, 13, NASB).

And in the midst of all my tears, heartache, and weariness, God reminds me of His faithfulness:

Know therefore that the LORD your God, He is God, the faithful God, who keeps His covenant and His lovingkindness to a thousandth generation with those who love Him and keep His commandments...The LORD's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I have hope in Him..." For as many as are the promises of God, in [Christ Jesus] they are yes (Deuteronomy 7:9, Lamentations 3:22-24, 2 Corinthians 1:20, NASB).

Amen, amen, amen.

Love Dare - Day 20

2011-04-01T08:44:00.003-05:00

Love is Jesus Christ

"While we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly." - Romans 5:6

Today has been an emotionally rough day (Day 20), and it's barely even halfway through. Jimmy has been stressed for awhile, and yesterday was his breaking point. Chloe has been napping terribly through the weekend, and a sleepless baby makes for a tired family. I received a text from a dear friend this morning, regarding a very difficult, life-changing decision. Then my relative called, and we talked about the blessings and hardships of being a stay-at-home, full-time Mom, which brought about some introspection.

God, how do I support Jimmy when he feels disappointed and frustrated?

Am I doing what I can at helping us live within our means?

How can I encourage and affirm him in ways that are meaningful to him?

Where are we going to be in three months?

Is this start-up company a wise investment?

What in the world is going on with Chloe?

Why isn't she napping?

Am I doing something wrong?

Am I not doing something I'm supposed to be doing?

How do I lovingly respond to my friend?

How do I even begin to pray for her and the situation she's in?

Who am I to even say anything?

Did I make the right decision to stay at home?

What is my purpose as a mother and a wife?

Am I fulfilling that purpose?

Why do I feel like I need to defend my decision?

...and why do I feel so fat??

Okay, so it's pretty obvious that Satan threw that last one in there. Gotta be on my game in the daily battles (Ephesians 6:10-18, NASB; Philippians 4:8, NIV)!

Today is just one of those days. It's an endurance-building day. It's a day where I read Day 20 and really struggle to find peace and comfort in the Gospel...that Jesus did indeed recognize the hardships, the pain, the difficulties...the sin, permeating our lives, and He came to us to die for all of it, all of it! So what? Why is that meaningful? Where is the hope?

Where is the hope?

My hope is in the God who, although we were still His enemies (Colossians 1:21, NIV), still chose to bring us to Him (Romans 5:8, NIV). If this God loved us in spite of who we were and regardless of who we would become, could He not be trusted to work through every circumstance today, right now, for our good (Romans 8:28, NASB), as He promises?

Alright, this is about how much time I have for a post today. Chloe's awake again (having barely napped an hour), and she's wailing in her crib. Lord, here are the burdens I've been carrying and wrestling with today. Holy Spirit, please enable me to love my husband, to love my daughter, and to love my friend. Soften our hearts to Your presence, and lead us in Your loving ways.

Dare for Day 21: Be intentional today about making time to pray and read your Bible. As you do, immerse yourself in the love and promises God has for you.

God's timing couldn't be more perfect.

Love Dare - Day 19

2011-03-17T12:00:00.005-05:00

Love is Impossible

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God." - 1 John 4:7, NASB

I confess: I've been putting off writing about Day 19's challenge, which essentially was to spend time with the Lord, asking Him to help me reflect upon my heart. I didn't want to, because I already knew what's there -- sin.

Recently, God has revealed to me yet another aspect of the sinful nature in me: I am proud. I seek the praise of others, and I depend on myself -- my own abilities to do it all and to have it all. I am a do-er, and, by the grace of God, I've been pretty good at it too, if you ask me. I can stay at home to nurse and raise a happy baby. I can keep the home tidy and clean, so that when my husband comes home, he can relax and feel comfortable, and when guests come over, they can be impressed. I can plan out healthy meals for the week, and then, in between juggling meals and naps for Baby and meeting friends, still make an efficient trip to get groceries. I can persevere through tough times, so that in the end, when others have quit, I can proudly look at my worn, beaten hands and say, "I did it!" I, me, I did it. I am, in summary, self-centered, and the idol I continuously worship is Me.

The problem is, I'm imperfect. I am impatient, unforgiving, bitter, envious, unloving, unkind, and easily angered. I will never be able to have everything in order, the way they're "supposed" to be. In the process of completing Project Me, all other relationships in my life either become tools to further my temple or decorations to showcase my own glory. Jimmy, as a result, becomes my scapegoat for when my day doesn't go as planned, or he constantly seems to fall short of my expectations for a perfect husband. He gets worn and beaten down, and I get frustrated and dissatisfied.

Well praise God for not allowing me to be deceived into believing that worshipping the god of Me would bring fulfillment or peace! In the past couple months, out of His kindness, God has knocked down the pillars of my own temple, in order to help me rebuild my home on Him, the only trustworthy and reliable Firm Foundation. On my own, truly loving Jimmy and seeking to build our marriage is impossible. With God's Holy Spirit in me, however, I am enabled to "will and to work for His good pleasure (Philippians 2:12-13, NASB)," and my marriage may be a healthy home to the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-25, NASB).

The Dare for Day 20 is pretty radical: "Dare to take God at His Word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation." I have already responded to God's call to trust Him with my life and salvation years ago; however, there is much to consider regarding whether or not I trust God to, let's say, love me unconditionally? Or to forgive me without leaving me in a continued state of guilt or shame? Or to take care of me completely? Interesting how this Love Dare that I thought is supposed to be directed from me to Jimmy also entails allowing God to direct me to Him...

Love Dare - Day 18

2011-03-13T07:56:00.005-05:00

Love Seeks to Understand

"How blessed is the man who finds wisdom and the man who gains understanding." - Proverbs 3:13, NASB

At my bridal shower, my Maid of Honor organized a "Newlyweds" type of game for Jimmy and I to play. In it, she asked each of us the same set of questions, and pre-recorded Jimmy's answers. I had to answer the questions live, on the spot. The questions were based on how well Jimmy and I knew each other, and they ranged from knowing what superhero Jimmy most admired to what quality in me he was most attracted to. The game stipulated that if we each correctly answered the questions and both answers matched, then I would be allowed to open one of my gifts. If our answers did not match, then I had to dance in front of all my guests.

Twenty questions later, I'd opened a lousy total of four gifts, and I'm pretty sure my guests received enough horrifying images of me "gettin' low" to pass on to their grandchildren.

Three years of marriage later, I'm hesitant to look over that list of questions again, because I'm afraid of facing a humbling reality that maybe I still don't know the answers to some of them! I'm worried that maybe I'm still pretty self-centered, and, though I spend everyday with Jimmy, I haven't bothered to truly study and get to know him more thoroughly.

The focus of Day 18's dare was to listen and to study my husband, by creating a special dinner to have more intentional conversation. It was Friday, so Jimmy already planned a date for us. Not a problem! I prayed and planned to intently listen to whatever things Jimmy want to talk about, so that I could gain more insight on what really made him tick.

Before we even got out the door, I found myself floundering. Jimmy was telling me about what happened during the day at work, and I was "listening" to him while putting up Chloe's toys, folding up and putting away laundry, picking out an outfit to wear, and getting myself ready for our date. What? Isn't that called multi-tasking? No, that's called being inconsiderate. While I was waiting for Jimmy to finish his sentence so that I could walk from our bedroom into our closet to hang up some clothes, God paused me. What's more important, sharing in my husband's day or hanging up his shirts? Which would he appreciate more? Good questions, God.

I put down the clothes, turned and faced Jimmy, made eye-contact with him, and listened to him share his thoughts. I learned what amuses him during lab meetings, and I learned more about the dynamic between his professor and his lab. I learned that he cares about social justice, and that he respects and cares for the well-being of his lab-mates. I also got a sense of Jimmy's progress in the lab, relative to his peers. All very interesting facts and glimpses into my husband that I would've missed had I chosen to run along according to my To Do List and my schedule!

Today (Day 19), the Dare topic is how "Love is Impossible," as in, how true, unconditional love is impossible to uphold apart from the Author and Sustainer of love: God. The Challenge is actually an introspective one today: "Look back over the dares from the previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible for you? Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love? Ask Him to show you where you stand with Him...What do you believe God is saying to you?..."

Great. Pray that I'll make time to even think about this Dare. Lately, I feel like I've been running around all day long!...which is why today's blogpost is ending like this. The End!

Love Dare - Day 17

2011-03-11T11:57:00.003-06:00

Love Promotes Intimacy

"Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends." -Proverbs 17:9, NIV

So the Challenge for Day 17 was to intentionally pray for and guard my husband's secrets, and to actively listen to him when he shares his personal thoughts and struggles. Now, I think that once you're in a committed relationship, neither person is constantly sharing his deepest, most-vulnerable thoughts and struggles on a daily basis. No couple is seriously like that everyday. Instead, you learn more about each other primarily through the seemingly ordinary ins-and-outs of sharing life together. This requires some attentiveness, though, and if I'm preoccupied, I'll miss the opportunities of insight into my husband's heart.

I started asking myself:

What makes Jimmy say he's had a good day, and what makes him feel like he's had a bad one?

As he juggles meetings, research, competitions, and dissertation-writing, does he feel like he has a good sense of time-management, or does he feel overwhelmed and behind?

What are the worries my husband has?

What is most important to him?

How does he receive affirmation? Am I providing that to him?

What is the quality of his relationship with the Lord? How can I encourage him, or how am I hindering him?

I pray for God to help me know and understand my husband's heart better, and, that as He does so, God would also guard my tongue from using any of Jimmy's heart as a weapon against him.

Last week, in the middle of an argument, I yelled, "You tell me that we need to mind our budget more for this month, so what do I do?? I go back to the mall and return the clothes I bought!!" (and I also yelled some other things, but those need not be repeated.) I said those things as a way to show him how sacrificially I was living, in order to show my "respect" for him, and really, to make myself look good and to make him feel bad. Several days later, after coming home from a frustrating and discouraging day at work, Jimmy admitted his desire to provide nice things for me...and his disappointment that he felt unable to do so. The words from our argument shot back into my mind like arrows, and I could only see them piercing into my husband's heart and pride.

So I guess the yesterday's challenge was more of a reminder of several lessons for me:

1. pray for help to intentionally listen to Jimmy.

2. seek to truly understand Jimmy's desires and struggles.

3. pray for help to guard my tongue and to think before I speak.

Marriage is supposed to be a safe-place, after all. How else will intimacy grow if each person's weaknesses and insecurities are used against them? That will only foster fear, not trust.

Today's Dare (Day 18) is to "prepare a special dinner at home, for just the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in an area you've rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate." The topic is, "Love Seeks to Understand," and it actually covers some of what I interpreted yesterday's challenge to include: studying and getting to know Jimmy. Well, seeing how it's already Friday afternoon, I'd better get started on planning dinner!

Love Dare - Day 16

2011-03-09T22:09:00.003-06:00

Love Intercedes

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much." - James 5:16, NASB

And the Love Dare lives again!! It's been oh...an entire year since I last started this Love Dare for Lent, as a means to practice "giving up myself" to more effectively love and serve my husband. Let's pray that this year, even with an infant, I'll keep up more consistently with the Dare and actually finish it!!

It's funny that before I had even decided to re-start this Dare, I shared with my Community Group on Fat Tuesday that God was convicting me of the need to pray more for Jimmy. Then, wouldn't you know, the lesson and Challenge for Day 16 (where I had previously left off) was to "begin praying for your spouse's heart!"

The Dare reminded me that the reason God gives me tremendous insight into Jimmy's weaknesses is not so that I can endlessly nag him, but so that I can effectively pray for him! Besides, what makes me think that I can change him? Behavior modification can only last so long, if it's not stemmed from heart-transformation, and the only one who can transform a person's heart is its Creator.

Also, praying for my husband doesn't merely include God changing Jimmy; it also includes God changing me! My friend, Louisa, shared her conviction with me last week that she can expend all her energy trying to meet her husband's needs (sex, food, ...that about covers it, right?), but what good is only working to continuously satisfy his physical needs, when what he really needs is a wife who, with a gentle and quiet spirit, daily supports, affirms, and encourages him? How can I try to be that kind of wife, without the enabling and affect of the Holy Spirit? Therefore, I must pray for my husband -- for him, as well as for his wife!

The Challenge yesterday was to "pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage." Here is what I chose:

1. Jimmy's work - that God would continue to bless his progress in research, as well as with his start-up company.

2. Jimmy's confidence - that it would be placed in the sovereignty, reliability, and trustworthiness of the Lord, and not based on Jimmy's own abilities to accomplish or obtain things.

3. Jimmy's obedience - that he would seek the Lord's direction in every aspect of our lives, and that he would lead our family as the Lord leads him.

Those are the main areas. So yesterday, I tried to conscientiously pray for Jimmy whenever I had the opportunity -- while in the shower, while driving, while eating, and while cooking. I'm embarrassed to say that it actually took some will-power! I'm so used to brushing off Jimmy's spiritual needs to attend to other physically present demands, that to even be still for a minute to intentionally focus on my husband's heart was awkward! But, as I continued to practice praying for him, it got less awkward (Holy Spirit, You need to help me with this!). I'm glad that the Love Dare challenges are supposed to build on each other, so now, I will have another 39 days to continue practicing the discipline of praying for my husband.

The topic for today, Day 17, is about how Love Promotes Intimacy, in that love does not use secrets as weapons, but it instead accepts and protects the things only known between husband and wife. The Challenge is to "guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share their personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe." Okay...this will be interesting to see unfold...

Milestone - Falling off the Bed

2011-01-20T22:17:00.003-06:00

January 19, 2011 - the day Chloe learned to roll off the bed. Also known as, the day I started to baby-proof our home. I'd like to say it was one of the scariest moments of Mommy-hood so far, but really, every new and unexpected thing that happens to Chloe becomes the most current "scariest moment."

I left her lying in the middle of the bed so that I could rinse out her Mylicon dropper, and within 30 seconds of turning on the faucet, I heard a loud, abnormal "KLUNK." ...then a piercing shriek. I ran into Chloe's room, saw her splayed on the ground between the bed and the glider, and immediately rushed over, picked her up, and held her little body against me, rocking and hushing her, while stroking her head and back. Quick check: no blood, no dents, no vomit, no other fluids. Okay, it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay.

Chloe was so startled and shocked, she couldn't even wail. She cried one of those, on-and-off, gasping for air between yelps, kind of cries. And trembling. She kept trembling. I just held her tight (but not too tight), cradled upright, into my chest. I wanted to absorb all her pain, dissolve all her tears. Her big, wet tears, all down her chubby little cheeks. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry..." I kept repeating. "Shh-shh-shh-shh, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay..."

By the time I got off the phone with my Mom (who else are you gonna call first?), Chloe had already calmed down, forgotten about the whole incident, and was back to her playful, curious little self -- with a giant welt on the top of her head (which an ice pack fixed in 15 minutes). I, on the other hand, still needed time to unwind.

Now, 24-hours later, I think I've managed to get over the whole ordeal, with some valuable lessons learned:

1. Once your infant learns to roll, don't leave her unattended.

2. Once your infant learns to roll, don't try to see how long you can get away with leaving her unattended on an elevated surface because you think you can run fast enough to catch her if she falls. YOU'RE NOT FAST ENOUGH (although I did catch her from rolling off the couch once).

3. Mom, thankfully, will know how to handle your crazy.

4. Mom also will still try to squeeze in a "life lesson," while handling your crazy.

5. Jimmy is calm and methodical when in a stressful situation.

6. Don't get mad at Jimmy when he is calm and methodical, because it doesn't mean he doesn't care; it just means hysteria is not his first response.

7. Girlfriends really are just a phone-call away.

8. Satan will try to capitalize on Mommy-guilt -- don't let him. Learn your lessons and move on.

Moreover, I'm continually learning that life is not in my control. Yes, there are always things I can do to be prepared, but ultimately, life (time, events, existence) is in God's hands, not mine, and that, my friends, is comforting to know.

Sleep-Training Day 3

2010-12-01T14:24:00.006-06:00

So we've started to sleep-train Chloe with the "cry it out" method. This method is pretty straight-forward. We basically let her cry herself to exhaustion, so she can learn to soothe herself. She's also supposed to learn that she can't just cry for attention and expect to be immediately attended to (that's right. Life-lessons are starting NOW.). The problem is, letting Chloe cry it out inevitably leads to ME crying it out too! Sigh.

Progress so far has been difficult to assess. The first night we implemented the plan, Chloe fell asleep right away. We kept our fingers crossed, hoping perhaps Chloe was a genius, angel-baby who had somehow realized our unspoken intent and would then know to sleep through the night. Unfortunately, she did not. 4:07am rolled around, and the little spud woke up crying. After ten minutes, I went in for the "Reassurance Check." The instant Chloe saw me, she stopped crying and smiled. Dangit.

I checked to make sure nothing was wrong (clearly, with her smiling...), hugged her, told her I loved her, and left the room. As soon as I pulled my comforter back over my shoulders, the baby monitor went off. Chloe subsequently cried for another 35 minutes before finally falling back asleep.

On the second night, Chloe cried for 45 minutes after I put her down for bedtime. Forty-five, heart-breaking minutes, during which her cries escalated from, "hellohhhh?! Can you hear me? I'm not happy!" To, "YOU ARE THE MEANEST MOMMY IN THE WORLD FOR LEAVING ME HERE!" (According to my interpretation.) Even her little voice got hoarse from screaming. She also woke up later in the night at 2:30am and cried for another 30 minutes or so.

Third night was a little better. No fight going to bed. Only a 30-minute cry-fest at 4am again. Last night, she woke up at 5:26am and cried for about 25 minutes before falling back asleep. I guess it's safe to say the trend in time she's awake is decreasing?

My friend, Sophia, shared a blogpost that had a helpful link, How to Successfully Teach a Baby to Sleep, which gave me more insight on how much sleep a 5-6 mo-old infant like Chloe should be getting. I like that it talks about sleepiness-cues in babies (annnd forwarding link to the grandparents *click*), which is important to recognize so that I can put Chloe down to sleep before she gets over-tired.

I still have some questions, for anyone who has experience or might know how to help:

1. Do I let Chloe cry-it-out for naps as well?

2. Do I implement set times for naps, regardless of if she's showing signs of sleepiness?

3. Does the 10-minute, Reassurance Check apply at each round of crying, or do I only implement it once, at the beginning of the night?

4. I read in this month's Parents magazine that babies need to nap for at least 1-hour increments at a time, in order to retain information; Chloe naps less than that right now. Does this mean she's going to be a dumb baby?? (Ok, admittedly, this is a worry of mine.)

We're now on Day 5 of Sleep Training, and I can only guess how Chloe will sleep tonight. People say it takes seven days to form a habit, so, theoretically, we only have two more nights to endure before we're all blessed with uninterrupted, blissful sleep. For now, instead of holding my breath, I'm just gonna pour myself another soothing glass of wine. Thank you!

Calming the Storm

2010-10-25T16:44:00.005-05:00

As I type this, I am waiting for the pediatrician's office to call. I just found some blood in Chloe's stool. Bright, red, splotches of blood. It wasn't a lot, but it wasn't none. Her pediatrician just happened to be out of the office for the day, so I can only get the opinion of the nursing staff. While I highly respect nurses, I am weary of one of the nurses at the office (she misinformed me about something when Chloe was just a newborn), and I am unfamiliar with the nurse who's supposed to call me back, since she is new on staff.

And yes, my emotions are furiously going along the tracks of a roller-coaster ride.

After texting Jimmy a picture of Chloe's stool, I sat down and prayed. God, please let everything be okay. Please help me to pray, and please guard my mind from Satan's attacks! Immediately, I was reminded of a passage covered in Mom's Connection from this morning:

"When [Jesus] got into the boat, His disciples followed Him. And behold, there arose a shaking storm on the sea, so that the boat was being covered with the waves; but Jesus Himself was asleep. And they came to Him and woke Him, saying, 'Save us, Lord; we are perishing!' He said to them, 'Why are you afraid, you men of little faith?' Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the sea, and a great calm occurred." (Matthew 8:23-26, NASB)

I must confess: my natural and immediate response to something unexpected is fear. Just the other day, I freaked out when I saw some brown spots on Chloe's shirt, because I feared it was dried blood from somewhere. Then I smelled the stains and realized it was actually just balsamic vinegar (hey, in my defense, she did get a round of shots that morning!). When Chloe was a newborn, she developed wheezing sounds one night, and I started worrying that she had asthma or a respiratory airway disorder. But it was just boogers and dry air.

Just like the disciples who were with Jesus and who witnessed Him healing lepers and casting out demons, but then immediately panicked when a giant storm hit (Matthew 8:1-26), I also am quick to cry out, "God save me I'm going to die!!" But Jesus is always right here with me, just as He was already with His disciples on the boat that day, in the shaking waters.

The question for me isn't, do I trust God? Because the answer is a definite yes. The question for me is really, will I trust God?

Will I accept both the blessings as well as the trials from Him? Will I choose to focus my thoughts on what is true, right, and worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8), or will I dwell on the scary things I cannot control? Will I pray more than I worry?

While I wait for tomorrow's answer, I will hold onto these words:

"...all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." (Colossians 1:16-17)

"You formed [Chloe's] kidneys; You wove [her] in [me]...[Chloe is] fearfully and wonderfully made..[her] bones were not hidden from You, when [she] was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen [her] unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for [her], when as yet there was not one of them." (Psalm 139:13-16)

"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'Yes' in Christ." (2 Corinthians 1:20)

No matter what the circumstance, and no matter what the situation, these things I can be sure of: God is loving, He is good, He is faithful, and He is with me. Amen!

Scholastic Love

2010-10-19T06:58:00.009-05:00

I found out the other day that my Mom used to spend $200-300 each month on books for me and my sister, when we were kids. $200-300?? That's basically a month's worth of bills! I remember I liked to read a lot, and every month, my school would come out with those tissue-paper-thin catalogs by Scholastic, which I would pore over and circle the books I wanted for my Mom to order (now they have online ordering, which, in my opinion, just takes away from the full, book-ordering experience!). Mom didn't always order every book I wanted, but she definitely ordered a lot of them. As a kid, it's not like I knew the value of money; I just knew the value of reading...

Mom also told me about how, when I was a baby, she read to me everyday to help my linguistic development. Every evening, after arriving home from work, my Mother would sit me in her lap, and then, sitting in our huge rocking chair, she would read to me. Afterwards, she'd still manage to get dinner ready, the home cleaned, and everyone in bed at a decent hour.

I know it may not sound like a big deal, reading to an infant who doesn't even understand the storyline of a book, but my Mom knew the long-term value of reading to me at an early age. Tons of parenting books and websites speak of how colorful pictures, varied vocal expressions, and the continued sound of Mommy's voice help stimulate cognitive and emotional development. One website even states that, if read to, the baby "will love life, be optimistic and have strong self-esteem!"

Now, I'm not entirely sure of how accurate some of these claims are, but the point is, my Mom definitely invested and sacrificed a lot of time and energy (and money) into creating the best, most advantageous learning environment for me, with hopes that I wouldn't just merely grow up, but that I would flourish and thrive in maturity. This made me think of my Heavenly Father, who also greatly and willingly sacrificed for me, continuously invests in maturing me, even though I cannot comprehend the plot or storyline of His will.

As a parent, there are countless things that I do for my daughter that she is completely unaware of, and that she probably will not ever fully appreciate. I do them for her because I love her and I know it benefits her, even if the outcomes are subtle or seemingly invisible. I spend ridiculous amounts of money buying what are essentially just colorful pieces of fabric and plastic for her activity times; I constantly work at maintaining my health and hydration so that I might have a steady supply of high-quality breastmilk; I diligently record, smell, and analyze every bowel movement and urine output in case of abnormalities; I sing, I dance, and yes, I also read aloud to her. All this because my little baby girl captured my heart, the day she was born.

How much more deeply does my Heavenly Father love me, whom He calls His daughter, His Own (Ephesians 1:5, Galatians 3:26, John 1:12)? Just as my Mom did not skimp on pouring out her life for me, and just as I am not hesitant to choose the best for my own daughter, God did not hesitate to sacrifice His Beloved Son to give me all that I need for life and holiness (Romans 8:32, 2 Peter 1:3).

With every new story from my Mom on the things she did to raise me, I am humbled and awed. It's not simply because the stories are endearing or humorous. It's because now, on some level, I'm finally starting to get it, and I'm starting to see my Mother in a whole new light.

And, just as I need to intentionally reflect on my Mother's selfless and generous actions to truly and properly appreciate her, I must also daily remind myself of God's generous Gospel, to rightly give Him honor -- though I deserved His just wrath and condemnation, God instead showed me mercy and love, redeeming my life through Jesus Christ (Ephesians 2:1-9). Though I was His enemy, God made me His friend and His daughter (John 15:15, Ephesians 1:5, Ephesians 2:18). Though I struggle with certain weaknesses, God has freed me from being immobilized and held captive to them (Romans 4:4-6, 1 John 5:4, 1 Peter 2:24, 1 Corinthians 15:57). Though I often still fear that I disappoint God, God reminds me that I am not only eternally approved and accepted by Him, but that I also delight Him and cause Him to sing over me (Zephaniah 3:17).

Bless the LORD, O my soul,

And all that is within me, bless His holy name.

Bless the LORD, O my soul,

And forget none of His benefits;

Who pardons all your iniquities,

Who heals all your diseases;

Who redeems your life from the pit,

Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;

Who satisfies your years with good things,

So that your youth is renewed like the eagle...

...As far as the east is from the west,

So far has He removed our transgressions from us.

Just as a father has compassion on his children,

So the LORD has compassion on those who revere Him...

(Psalm 103: 1-5, 12-13)

Praise the Lord indeed! I think I'm going to call my Mom now.

Love Dare - Day 14

2010-10-05T23:21:00.006-05:00

Love Takes Delight

"Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life and in your toil in which you have labored under the sun." (Ecclesiastes 9:9, NASB)

I know this Love Dare has been on hiatus for awhile, but now that life has somewhat (and I use this term loosely) settled down, God has reminded me again of the importance of building my marriage on a regular basis. So, picking up where I left off, I started this week with Day 14’s challenge to “purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse.”

A quick overview of my exciting daily activities include feeding Chloe, burping and changing Chloe, keeping Chloe company when she’s awake and wants to play, washing a load of baby-laundry, washing a load of adult-laundry, tidying up the home, prepping and cooking dinner, making sure we have meals planned for the rest of the week, and reviewing the rest of the non-routine items on my To Do List. Incorporating the time constraint of having only a few hours in the morning and in the evening to more meaningfully interact, I realized that I really only have a brief window of opportunity to do something intentional for Jimmy.

Immediately, I thought of what Jimmy would appreciate. A few text messages and some coordinating with friends later, my plan was set!

Jimmy arrived home, tired from his long day at work; however, as many of you who are parents know, just because you are ready to rest doesn’t mean your child ceases to need your care. Almost two hours later, with Chloe finally asleep, Jimmy and I sat down to enjoy our dinner. No sooner had we started, when, knock knock knock! Why, who could that be? Our friend Oliver arrived to help babysit Chloe!

I dragged an excited and curious Jimmy to the car, and we hit the road. I made him promise to keep his eyes closed until we arrived at our destination, and much to my relief, he agreed. When we eventually pulled into the gravel-lot of Gourdough’s, Jimmy opened his eyes, smiled and shouted, “I knew it! Yes!!”

Although our little excursion was only about 45 minutes, it was fun and delightful to set aside my usual desire to keep the home in order, and instead spend time at a food cart that my husband regularly craves (but refrains from indulging in too often), chatting and hearing about his day. Sometimes, Satan is subtle in how he wears a marriage down, and trust me: the desire I have to keep order in the home is a strong one!

Day 15 is titled, “Love is Honorable,” teaching that the marriage relationship must be set apart and held as most important above all other human relationships in life.

The Challenge: Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting his clothes away for him. It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes.

Well, I’ve already completed Day 15 today, but I will blog more about it another time. It’s almost midnight. Until tomorrow! Goodnight.

Short-Term Memory Faith

2010-06-04T20:14:00.005-05:00

Yesterday evening, Jimmy and I watched our friends, Leslie and Oliver, pin down their 14-month old, Cannon, as he was screaming and crying, and suction out all the snot clogging up his tiny little nostrils. There was quite a bit of mucus, so Oliver had to suction each nostril multiple times to fully clear out Cannon's airways. Cannon, of course, hated it -- I mean, who isn't thrilled at having his arms, legs, and head held down, while having a rubber tube repeatedly shoved into his nose?

The whole time Cannon was screaming, Leslie and Oliver spoke gently to him, "we're almost done little buddy," "I know you don't like this, but we need to help you breathe," "once you learn how to blow your nose, we won't have to do this anymore." More screaming, more tears. I almost started to cry in empathy! But within minutes, Cannon was cleaned out and quietly and happily back up in Leslie's arms. As we left the room, Oliver commented on how babies have short-term memory, so they'll quickly forget about their uncomfortable experiences.

I've heard people say that having a child radically teaches a person about God's love, and, even though Baby Su is still waiting to come out, I am already starting to catch glimpses of this concept. The past 9 months have been an emotional roller-coaster, culminating with several fast twists and turns in the past few weeks. Every time I think we're in the clear, God sends us for another loop.

But I'm learning that with every stressful period of uncertainty, God isn't trying to scare me; He is gently teaching me. In the past 9 months, I have had my eyes opened to see truly how far Jimmy's patience stretches (while also seeing really how very needy and demanding I can be); how incredibly strong, amazing, and awesome the female body is; how relieving it is when I put aside my pride and actually receive help and support from others; and how perfectly God's timing and provision are for His children, whom He lavishly loves. I thought the 9 months of pregnancy was simply for mental and emotional preparation; but God had greater plans, and He used the time to actually sanctify me, my faith, and my understanding of who He is!

Just as Oliver and Leslie had to pin down Cannon to help clear out the things that were impeding his breathing, God, at times, will bring me through uncomfortable and stressful situations, so that He might clear out the things in my heart that impede on my ability to fully and effortlessly "breathe." God does this because I haven't yet learned to "blow my nose," and really, like a baby, I have yet to develop a sincere interest in learning how to blow my nose, and, once my discomfort is resolved, I forget about the whole experience altogether and continue on with my life. Oh, how patiently God loves us!

It's now almost Week 39, and Baby Su is expected to arrive at anytime (even though I've been saying "anytime" for about 3 weeks now). Although it is difficult to continue waiting, especially without a definite end-point, I daily hope and know that God will give me exactly what I need to patiently wait and to make the most of every day.

Love Dare - Day 13

2010-04-08T18:59:00.022-05:00

Love Fights Fair

So, the evening I started Day 13, Jimmy and I got into a fight. As much as I partially blame my pregnancy hormones, I can't completely ignore the sinful (selfish) nature of my heart.

The snowball started as we were rushing from school/work to volunteer at church. I was starving and very strongly craving some iron-rich, stir-fry beef and rice. "How about some Firebowl?" I asked. "Sure!" promised Jimmy.

25 minutes in traffic later, we were still about 10 minutes away from church, giving us only 10 minutes to grab food without being late.

My thought: it's okay if we're a little late, because all we're doing is helping to organize donated items for the upcoming church garage sale. Let's get me some beef stir-fry!!

Jimmy's thoughts: we should be punctual to events we commit to, as a way of being considerate of other people's time, and also as a way of showing ourselves to be reliable. We can wait to get dinner after volunteering. Carolyn can have a snack to tide her hunger over.

My stomach was growling and I was ready to eat the cow.

However, I did my best to honor Jimmy's preference (way to go, Day 12 lesson!), so we stopped by Taco Cabana and shared a small quesadilla (which, btw, their "small" is actually pretty big!) to help tide my hunger over. We went to church and spent about two hours sorting through two trailors full of [dusty, old, and some embarrassingly shameful] donated goods. When we finally finished at 9pm, Jimmy was upbeat and ready to get some Firebowl.

I, on the other hand, was incredibly grouchy. Not to mention tired...and also dirty from other people's old junk. I was also a little mad that the quesadilla from earlier spoiled my appetite for beef stir-fry. I kept my mouth shut and emotions reeled in as best as I could though.

We arrived home, and Jimmy started an episode of The Office, the one where Jim and Pam go into labor and have their baby -- incidentally, my least favorite episode, as it exemplifies every single one of my fears of having a baby:

1. long and painful delivery,

2. baby and I won't know how to breastfeed,

3. hospital staff obviously try to scoot us out the door, and my husband and I will be left out on the street without a clue how to take care of the tiny infant in my arms.

However, again, I tried to honor Jimmy's preference, so we watched the horribly stressful episode. I ended up falling asleep on the couch (probably as a subconscious defense mechanism), and I woke up later to find the tv off, the dirty dishes still out, and Jimmy playing a game on his iPhone. Nothing was put away and it was past 10:30pm. I jumped up, clearly annoyed, and immediately started to cleanup.

Afterwards, as we washed-up to get ready for bed, I stood in the bathroom and started to tell Jimmy about a problem that was on my mind. Jimmy, who was in our study room, was shouting out brief replies. I kept waiting for him to come into the bathroom to give me his full attention; however, he did not.

Finally, I yelled, "I DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU ARE ATTENDING TO MY NEEDS!!"

Silence. Jimmy walked over and asked, "What do you mean? I was already turning off the computer..."

Tears of frustration started pouring out, as I incoherently tried to make sense of my emotions and thoughts, "I just...it seems like...you're letting us go about our days as if I weren't pregnant! But I AM and IT'S HARD and I CAN'T DO IT and I just wish you were more proactive about taking care of me!! EVERYONE ELSE does!!"

With a sigh, Jimmy told me to finish washing up and that he would wait so we could talk when I was ready. I agreed, finished cleaning up, and walked into our bedroom...to find him already asleep.

Oh, how God likes to challenge us to grow us.

That night, I stayed up late and re-read the "we" and "me" Rules of Fighting Fair, as listed in Day 13:

1. We will never mention divorce.

2. We will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past.

3. We will never fight in public or in front of our children.

4. We will call a "time out" if conflict escalates to a damaging level.

5. We will never touch each other in a harmful way.

6. We will never go to bed angry with one another.

7. Failure is not an option. Whatever it takes, we will work this out.

1. I will listen first before speaking (James 1:19 NASB).

2. I will deal with my own issues up front (Matthew 7:3, NASB).

3. I will speak gently and keep my voice down (Proverbs 15:1, NASB).

After moving past my snarky thoughts regarding Rule #6, I had to more sincerely consider my heart's true issues and the validity behind my words.

How much of my emotions are actually tied into the hormonal changes due to pregnancy?

What am I truly upset about?

Why do I feel like Jimmy is not meeting my needs? What are my "needs?" Have I communicated them to Jimmy?

When was the last time Jimmy and I actually had a real conversation that did not involve a tv sitcom or us reviewing the day's/week's schedule?

Is there something else going on within myself that I am projecting onto Jimmy or that is causing me to place uncommunicated/unfair expectations onto Jimmy?

I'd like to say that I stayed up that night praying for discernment, but I don't think I did. I think I just surfed Facebook instead.

The next day, Jimmy and I were able to discuss what happened and, after more tears and some yelling, we concluded our argument civily. Nothing spectacularly romantic or amazing like in the movies. There were still some residual emotions lingering in the air, but now, a week later, I've noticed that we've both made some changes:

1. I have been more mindful of my timing when I start bringing up a story or start sharing about my thoughts, so that I'm being considerate of whether or not Jimmy is preoccupied at the moment.

2. If I do bring up a topic while Jimmy is busy, he will clarify with me, finish up, and then come over and give me his full attention.

3. Jimmy has been more proactive in helping to take care of meals and cleaning -- which actually makes a HUGE difference in my stress levels!

4. Jimmy also has been trying to recognize my pregnancy cravings to allow for a little more flexibility in his expectations.

All small, but very meaningful changes.

Day 14 is titled, "Love Takes Delight," and ironically, the first paragraph states, "one of the most important things you should learn...is that you should not just follow your heart. You should lead it. You don't let your feelings and emotions do the driving." HAHA! Has this not been my life-long struggle?

The Challenge: Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just to be together.

Since it's Thursday night...we might normally watch TV together. Now what might Jimmy enjoy doing instead?...will have to think about this one. Maybe I could go with him to sell his Guitar Hero, since he will be staying on campus late. Or maybe we could go eat dinner together at one of his favorite burger places. We'll see!

Love Dare - Day 12

2010-04-06T11:03:00.009-05:00

Love Lets the Other Win

Today is a day that I honestly don't feel like blogging, but I will. There're still 28 more days to go, and I'll never finish if I'm not persistent. These pregnancy hormones sure messes with my motivation levels though. Satan, be gone! Holy Spirit, please help me see and think clearly.

Day 12 discusses the attitude of being willing -- humbly submitting for the good of another what I have the right to claim for myself. This is challenging to me because I am generally a prideful, all-or-nothing, black-and-white person. I typically believe that there is always a right or wrong, smart or stupid way of doing something. And of course, generally, I think that my way is always the right and smart way.

Now, there are times when my mentality is beneficial, such as when it is the Holy Spirit convicting me of Truth or of sin, or when a large-scale project or multiple tasks need to be completed, or when someone discusses their health with me. If I'm not careful, though, this attitude can very easily become a stronghold for arguments and discord in marriage.

In what areas is God pointing out to me that I can be more flexible or willing? I can't think of anything big at this time. The one topic I have recently faced the most frustration with Jimmy is over picking potential names for our baby. I really like the name Isaiah, which means, "God is my salvation." I like Isaiah because he was the one prophet who responded to God immediately when asked, exclaiming, "here I am! Send me!" (Isaiah 6:7-9) I would like my potential son to have that same loving obedience and passionate zeal for God and for His Kingdom. So far, there has not been any other name that has stuck with me this strongly.

However, Jimmy does not like Isaiah as a name for our son, as it doesn't seem fitting for an Asian male (this is the reason he gives me).

What do I do? Continue to push for it? Is it really worth it in the long run? "If it doesn't matter in the long run -- especially in eternity -- then give up your rights and choose to honor the one you love. It will be good for you and good for your marriage."

I know that arguing over a name is a more trivial matter, but there will be bigger, more life-affecting matters that will inevitably come up over the course of our marriage. When those conflicts arise, I pray for the attitude of Jesus Christ (as summarized by the Love Dare, from Philippians 2:1-13):

"As God, He has every right to refuse becoming a man, but yielded and did -- because He was willing. He had the right to be served by all mankind, but came to serve us instead. He had the right to live in peace and safety, but willingly laid down His life for our sins. He was even willing to endure the grueling torture of the cross. He loved, cooperated, and was willing to do the Father's will instead of His own."

Although it may cost me some pride and discomfort, choosing to give strong consideration to Jimmy's preference will demonstrate that I value him -- and I want him to know that he is valued!

The Challenge: Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first.

Alright, so then I think I will no longer bring up the name, Isaiah, anymore as a possibility or as a way of continuing to argue. Unless he brings it up, of course...

Day 13 is titled, "Love Fights Fair," and it talks about certain "rules" in marriage about fighting and conflicts. Sounds exciting!

More to come soon.

Side note: if you have any good baby name ideas, please feel free to send 'em by...

Love Dare - Day 11

2010-03-30T18:10:00.007-05:00

Love Cherishes

Day 11 discusses what it means to cherish your spouse. It starts by giving two scenarios: one is of a man whose car has a lot of problems. Instead of fixing the parts, he decides the cost and time isn't worth it, and he junks the car to get a new one. The second scenario describes a man who injures his hand. Instead of amputating his hand, he gets a cast, pays the medical costs, and patiently cares for it until it fully heals.

Of course, these two examples sound logical when taken literally. But when applied to marriage, introspection, once again, may be convicting. Do I treat Jimmy as I would an object I own, or do I treat and care for him as I do my own body? Would I let someone else talk to me or act towards me the same way that I talk to or act towards Jimmy? In what ways do I indirectly convey to Jimmy that my resources (time, money, energy, attention..etc) are more valuable and sacred than he is?

We live in a culture that encourages upgrading to the newer, faster, younger, leaner, sleeker, more entertaining, more pleasurable model (yes, pun intended). But who is at the focus of this mentality? Self. And who is supposed to be the focus of marriage? The husband+wife (= the marriage) (well, I would say God, but it's kind of misleading for the point being made).

If marriage is meant to be a human-reflection of Christ's love-relationship to the Church (Ephesians 5:22-33, NASB), how can we accept the practice of being self-serving in a marriage? Christ will never dump us based on what we do or do not do, nor will He move on if we continue to make the same mistakes or if we fail to live up to His expectations. In fact, Jesus Christ already went ahead and died for us to make us His (Romans 5:6-11, ESV), in spite of our weaknesses and short-comings!

So, just as Believers are "One" with Jesus Christ as His Body (Romans 12:4-5, Ephesians 5:23), a husband and wife are united as "one" unit, one body, one flesh (Genesis 2:22-24, NASB). Day 11 continues to say,

"Don't let the culture around you determine the worth of your marriage. To compare it with something that can be discarded or replaced is to dishonor God's purpose for it. That would be like amputating a limb. Instead, it should be a picture of love between two imperfect people who choose to love each other regardless."

The Challenge: What need does your spouse have that could be met today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, "I cherish you," and do it with a smile.

On the day(s) I worked on this Challenge, I have intentionally tried to:

1. put aside gym-time to go home earlier and spend the evening together.
2. make cupcakes like he had previously mentioned wanting (except I didn't realize the recipe I had was actually for muffins, not cupcakes, and they were a disaster).
3. setup the coffee-machine for the next day according to his settings.
4. let him sleep in the car on the road-trip to Houston (even though I prefer conversing).
5. help him unpack his things from Houston and pack for his trip to Maryland, so that he could spend time working on his other projects.
6. practice Day 9's challenge of greeting [& speaking to] Jimmy with love and enthusiasm.
7. "do it" =).

Something to note: while practicing this Day's challenge, I've realized that I have slowly started to forget about Day 1 and Day 5's challenges of not speaking negatively to Jimmy and of not being rude! I've found that I try to get away with criticizing Jimmy by turning my comments into "jokes," as if the heart issue is really any different. Boo. And of course, since Jimmy started riding with me to work again, he's clearly seen that my road rage never fully went away...Well, I'm glad the Holy Spirit is here helping me along here!

Day 12 is titled, "Love Lets the Other Win." Boy, wonder what that's about?...

The Challenge: Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first.

We'll see how God teaches me through this challenge. Jimmy will currently be out of town for several days, so one would think that I'll be in the clear for awhile, but, knowing how faithful God is at teaching us...you never know what to expect...

Love Dare - Day 10

2010-03-19T18:12:00.020-05:00

Love is Unconditional

Day 10 has been my favorite day of the Love Dare so far -- not because the Challenge was easy or fun (in fact, I still don't know what to do for it...), but because it provided a great reminder of the kind of love foundational for a marriage: God's love.

You see, God's love is unconditional. This is an easy phrase to say for those of us who have grown up in a church setting. Yes, we consider that statement to be true. So what does that look like, practically?

There are three primary types of love: phileo (friendship), eros (sexual), and agape (charity). Both phileo and eros love are important in a marriage, but if the marriage depends solely on common interests and physical intimacy, there is much room for "falling out of love." This is because phileo and eros love fluctuate in response to time and circumstance (including stage-of-life changes), and are greatly affected by personal emotions.

In contrast, agape love is the love described in the most well-known, Gospel-bearing verse of the Bible, John 3:16, "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." And as a reinforcement of love stated in this verse, the next verse adds, "For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him."

Agape love is not determined by the one being loved, but, rather, by the one choosing to love. God chose to love us, prior to us even doing anything to earn or merit His love, as is stated in Romans 5:8, "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us!" (Also restated in 1 John 4:10 NASB, "In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.")

God's love does not fluctuate in strength or amount based on what we do or do not do, because it never depended on us in the first place! Our complete acceptance and designation as heirs to His Heavenly Kingdom depended entirely on the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Therefore, it is through Jesus Christ that ALL, EVERYONE, THE WORLD is given access to "approach [God's] throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need" (Hebrews 4:16, NIV).

In application to marriage, which is to serve as a depiction of Jesus Christ's "marriage" to the Church (Ephesians 5:22-33, NASB), both the husband and wife are called to love each other with not just phileo and eros love, but also with selfless, unconditional, patient, cross-focused agape love. But it is important to remember that I am not called to muster up this kind of super-natural agape love by my own energy or sense of goodwill -- I am empowered by God's Holy Spirit, given to me when I accepted Christ's sacrifice for me as my atonement for sins, who now resides in me and enables me to demonstrate God's agape love given to me, to Jimmy (John 14:26, Romans 5:4-6, Acts 1:8)!

Is that not amazing?!

So anyway, for today's Challenge, I was to "do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse -- something that proves (to you and them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage."

Okay, so since I have been dwelling on this Day's challenge for about a week now...I have since done these things that I hope will have conveyed to Jimmy that I love him:

1. sacrificed spending money to purchase a super-cute Banana Republic sweater for myself, in order to buy him a new, trendy, collared-shirt (in the style that he's been wanting but hasn't been able to justify the cost for the style).

2. planned groceries according to his favorite meals/dishes.

3. attempted to "do it" more often through the week (THIS IS DIFFICULT WHEN YOU ARE PREGNANT!! So I feel strongly that this is a huge act of love!!).

Day 11 is titled, "Love Cherishes," and is tied to what Jesus asks a blind man, "What do you want me to do for you?" (Mark 10:51, NASB)

The Challenge: What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, "I cherish you," and do it with a smile.

Wow, I am already thinking of a list: make him cupcakes that he mentioned wanting last night, spend the evening relaxing with him instead of going to the gym, do all the laundry so that he'll have enough clothes for all the travelling he'll be doing through next week...

More to come tomorrow (hopefully)!

Love Dare - Day 8 & 9

2010-03-16T11:37:00.006-05:00

Love is Not Jealous, and Love Makes Good Impressions

After a 1-week hiatus, I am back and more determined to finish what I have started! There are too many books, too many projects, and too many ideas that I have started with zeal but have yet to finish – this will not be like those uncompleted, good-intentioned beginnings! Jimmy is important to me, and my marriage deserves priority in my life.

Now, with that little pep talk aside, here are the two days I have been thinking about over the last week:

Day 8 Challenge: Determine to become your spouse’s biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help set your heart on your spouse and to focus on their achievements, take yesterday’s list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

Initially, the concept of being jealous of my husband seemed foreign. After all, Jimmy never gives me room to doubt or question his interactions with other females, so I rest assured there’s no issue of having “legitimate” jealousy. Upon further reading, though, the description of “illegitimate” jealousy started to stir some conviction.

Illegitimate jealousy opposes love and is rooted in self-centeredness, and it results in resentment and/or fear (James 3:16, 4:1-2, NASB). Jealousy typically occurs not between strangers, but between people who are close – such as my husband!

A closer inspection of my thoughts reveal that I am jealous of Jimmy in subtle ways: feeling resentful that I spend all day standing and seeing patients, only to go home to spend all evening in the kitchen standing and cooking, while Jimmy is free all day to surf the Internet, go around campus, and drive around the city to meet people; feeling indignant when someone seems to take more interest in conversing with Jimmy than with me; and yes, now that I’m pregnant, I am often annoyed that Jimmy is able to go about business rather normally and comfortably, while I am continuously discovering new ways my body can be achy, bloated, hungry, or emotional.

Overall though, I do appreciate that Jimmy and I seem to be good partners. We complement each other in different areas, which makes life so much easier! In the moments that I start to feel irritated or annoyed out of jealousy, may the Holy Spirit help me to shift my focus off myself and onto Jimmy – that he works hard at his research and also does a lot of work for our family and home, that he is a wonderful man with a pleasing personality and intelligent thoughts, and that he has been so sweetly and patiently caring for his extremely pregnant wife!

The Challenge calls for me to burn the Negative Attributes List that I made earlier – does deleting the file count? I never printed it.

Day 9 talks about greeting my spouse in such a way that communicates how much I love and cherish him. After all, how I greet a person reflects my heart’s attitude towards that person. A loving greeting can be a blessing! I can definitely give examples of times when I was greeted with a scarce glance and a grunted “hey,” and times I was greeted with a huge smile and warm embrace (by others, not necessarily Jimmy). A good greeting can lessen any tension and give value to the person being greeted.

The Day 9 Challenge was simple: Remember, love is a choice. So choose to change your greeting. Think of a specific way you’d like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.

For the most part, Jimmy and I will always try to intentionally greet each other. If we’re arriving home from work, we try to set our things down first thing after getting in so that we can hug, kiss, and say hello. If I’m picking him up from work, then we’ll try to kiss, smile, and say hello. Phone conversations are a little more variable, but I try not to immediately rush into my checklist for him and will try to pause and ask how he is doing first.

I liked this Challenge! Mostly because every time we hugged, kissed and greeted each other, I was reminded me of how much I appreciate Jimmy. Plus it gave me the warm fuzzies.

So today is Day 10: Love is Unconditional.

Based on Romans 5:8 (NASB), “But God demonstrates His own love towards us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

I am excited, because today’s lesson reminds us of God’s agape love for us; that He loves us not because of what we do for him or how we can benefit him or how beautiful we appear to be. God loved us while we were still sinners, His enemies! And He had Christ die for us so that we could be reconciled and brought into His presence forever! What a beautiful example of love – and this is the type of love that God provides for us to have in our marriage! How wonderful!

The Challenge: Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse – something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.

Time for me to get prayin’ and thinkin’!

Love Dare - Day 7

2010-03-02T00:31:00.003-06:00

Love Believes the Best

1 Corinthians 13:7 - [Love] believes all things, hopes all things.

Okay so I'm behind again, but oh well. I have accepted the fact that I may not be finishing this Love Dare by Easter like I had hoped. No matter! I commit to working to keep up with the Dare one day at a time!

Today's challenge was relatively simple: get out two sheets of paper. On the first sheet, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

I thought it would be a little tough to come up with a decent-sized list, but within a few minutes, I already had over 50 positive things about Jimmy!

Here are 10 Positive Attributes About Jimmy I would like to share with you:

1. Jimmy is patient.
2. Jimmy gives generously.
3. Jimmy cares about relationships.
4. Jimmy loves the Gospel.
5. Jimmy will stand for the Truth.
6. Jimmy respects others and treats people with dignity.
7. Jimmy is honest and sincere.
8. Jimmy is a problem-solver.
9. Jimmy is not afraid to correct me and will do so with gentleness.
10. Jimmy does not always let me get what I want.

The items on the Negative List had an interesting pattern: they were mostly small habits of behavior that annoyed me -- leaving cabinet-doors open after getting an item out from the cupboard; eating "too fast;" leaving socks rolled up in the middle of a room...etc. All pretty trivial on paper; however, if mixed with all the factors listed on Day 6 that contribute to being irritable, these trivial habits can easily become launching pads for me to unload complaints, vent frustrations, and make generalized accusations.

But are they really that big a deal?

A few other Negative items point to some of my personal, unmet expectations, which then beg the questions: have I even talked to Jimmy about these expectations before? Is it reasonable for me to expect these things, and on what basis? Do I also recognize that I, too, am a sinner?

The point to remember is that while the items on the Negative List may be true, so are the items on the Positive List. Everyone has unresolved issues, hurts, and personal baggage, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," (Rom 3:23). What builds my marriage instead of tears it down is my choice to believe the best and seek the best in my husband, to focus my thoughts on "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things," (Phil 4:8, NASB).

The only time I need to be considering items on the Negative List is to pray for Jimmy! If marriage is a picture of Christ sanctifying His Bride, the church (Eph 5:21-32), then the focus of my mind and actions always ought to point Jimmy towards God and to spur him on in holiness!

So I will try to find a subtle way to thank Jimmy for the many things I appreciate about him today. I would like to be a wife who affirms her husband.

Tomorrow's Dare is titled, "Love is not Jealous," which should be interesting. I have never thought of being jealous of your spouse before, but will share what I learn about what this looks like in a marriage. Goodnight.

Love Dare - Day 5 and 6

2010-03-01T23:01:00.003-06:00

Love is Not Rude

On Saturday, according to Day 5 of the Love Dare, I asked Jimmy to think about and tell me 3 things that I do that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritated with me; ways that I perhaps offend him or things I do that bother him. I braced myself for his answers.

Jimmy actually only had two "real" answers (he doesn't consider his 3rd answer as important):

1. He doesn't like it when we arrive late to events (social gatherings, dinner, church service...etc), because he sees our tardiness as a reflection of our inconsideration and disrespect to the other person's time.
2. He doesn't like my road rage, because it really doesn't make traffic move any faster, and it just makes for an angry and abrasive wife.
3. He prefers I not watch new episodes in a TV series without him (ie. our recent endeavor in catching up on all seasons and episodes of "How I Met Your Mother").

Alright, not as scary as I had anticipated (I'm pretty sure I could list 100 more reasons of why I find myself annoying). I'm actually glad that I asked and that he told me about these situations that bother him, because it helps me to be more mindful of my time-management and actions. I'm in a relationship (more specifically, a MARRIAGE) -- this means what I do affects another person, and I would hope that my actions are uplifting, encouraging, and edifying.

So Day 6 actually goes hand-in-hand with Day 5:

Love is Not Irritable

Proverbs 16:32 - "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city."

Love is hard to offend and quick to forgive. When something goes wrong, how do I respond? Am I quick to express how hurt or frustrated I am? Do I get angry or hurt easily? Or do I exercise emotional self-control?

Based on my behavior described on Day 1, I'm going to say...I can be pretty irritable when it comes to Jimmy. The Love Dare describes two reasons people may be irritable:

1. Stress - caused by relationships (bitterness, arguments), excess (overworking, overspending) or deficiencies (poor nutrition, lack of rest, lack or exercise).

2. Selfishness - "What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures...?" James 4:1 describes how the root of our conflicts really stem from us not getting things our way. This can take the form of lust, bitterness, greed, or pride.

The Challenge: Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

Ironically, the first area I thought of that needed more margin in my schedule was: quality time with Jimmy. A review of our weekday schedule is as follows:

6:45am -wakeup, start getting ready for work
7:45am -out the door, fight traffic to get to work
8:30-530pm - work
6:00pm - arrive at gym, exercise
7:30pm - arrive home, cook
8:30pm - dinner, cleanup, prep next day's meals, shower
10:30pm - veg out on couch watching "How I Met Your Mother" (usually brain-dead by this time)
12:00am - sleep

So where is this margin supposed to come from? The most expendable block of time seems to be exercise, but what does it look like to add a margin? Go to a gym closer to work? Decrease exercise time? Sacrifice going to 1-hr long gym classes?...

Looks like more prayer for wisdom is required, as it looks like sacrifices must be made. I do want to spend more time with Jimmy during which I am still alert and conversant, instead of tired and, well, probably irritable. He's not simply a roommate, after all; he's my soul-mate (OHHH CLEVER)!

Well, today was Day 7 of the Love Dare, which I will hopefully blog about tomorrow. Jimmy was right -- blogging daily is not easy! Nor is keeping up with this 40-day challenge of "giving myself up" for Lent and working on marriage!! Enough complaining though. I am thankful for this opportunity to learn! May the Lord continue to mold my heart to be more teachable and humble.

Thanks for the prayers and encouragement!

Love Day - Day 4

2010-02-27T17:56:00.007-06:00

Love is Thoughtful.

Psalm 139:17-19, “How precious also are Your thoughts to me. . . . How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.”

The Challenge: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

Alright! I confess again! This is hard!! It hasn't even been a week, and already, I am finding it difficult to simply incorporate thinking about Jimmy into my daily routine. Sure, the challenge for Day 4 sounded easy enough: just call him unexpectedly sometime during the work day to ask how he's doing -- without any other agenda.

The last part of this challenge proved more convicting than I'd expected! On multiple occasions, I reached for my phone to call in order to either: 1. confirm plans for the upcoming week, 2. request help on figuring something out, 3. complain, or 4. ask if he'd started on any of the tasks he'd planned on for the household. What happened to the days when I simply called him because I missed him and was thinking about him?

Not that any of the above listed reasons for calling are wrong or bad, I suppose; however, I am starting to understand more of why sometimes, my parents complain to me that I "only call when [I] need something." OUCH. My parents and my husband know that I love them, and they are always more than willing to help, but, sometimes, it's nice simply to know that you're being thought of and appreciated! Jimmy is not simply a work-partner -- he is my partner for life! The other portion of my entity! We, together, are "one flesh" (Eph 5:31, Gen 2:24), and I am called to thoughtfully serve and intentionally care for my husband as I would my own self (Phil 2:1-11).

Which leads me to another conviction: I think about myself a LOT, and this has been affecting my willingness to take time daily and reflect more seriously on this Love Dare. I've realized that I was enthusiastic and eager to take on this challenge when I had naively believed it would somehow be convenient and relatively easy to incorporate into my lifestyle. But now, even just after five days, as I am seeing that loving someone requires actual sacrifice, the reality of my heart's priorities are sobering.

I think I need to actually spend more time with the Lord, as I am attempting to love my husband more profoundly.

Day 5, which was supposed to have been completed yesterday, has now been delayed until today. The topic is, "Love is not rude," and I am to honestly reflect upon my manners towards Jimmy.

Am I sweet and gracious to friends and co-workers, but harsh and slow-to-forgive (and unwilling to forget) with my husband? How does Jimmy feel about the way I speak and act around him? How does my behavior affect Jimmy's sense of worth and self-esteem? Would Jimmy say that I am a blessing or that I am condescending and embarrassing?

The Challenge: Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.

A LITTLE FRIGHTENING, ISN'T IT?? I'm currently still awaiting Jimmy's answers...

Love Dare - Day 2 and 3

2010-02-25T10:13:00.005-06:00

Love is Kind. Love is not Selfish.

Okay, so, keeping up with a daily blog-post is a little more challenging than I had anticipated. I’ll work on being more disciplined. Kindness and Selflessness go hand-in-hand anyway…so here is the consolidated update for the past couple days.

Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

Romans 12:10, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.”

The Challenges:

Day 2- In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

Day 3- Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It’s hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, “I was thinking of you today.”

The past couple of days, I have been working on making more proactive choices to help, speaking with sensitivity, and keeping a flexible and teachable heart. I’ve started to prep the ingredients for the next night’s meal ahead of time, so that Jimmy doesn’t have to wait too long to eat dinner after I rush home from the gym after work. I’ve been making myself pause before complaining – even if it’s about my work day and not pertaining to Jimmy or our Family To-Do List. And I’ve been working on actively listening to Jimmy’s suggestions for our social plans, instead of immediately jumping in with my ideas with the excuse of how I “process my thoughts aloud.”

On Tuesday, I stopped by Jimmy’s favorite, close-to-campus burger joint, Five Guys, and I bought him a small, $10 gift card! He typically brings leftovers for lunch, but he will often refer to how the rest of the guys in his lab will go out to eat lunch together – which I know can sometimes make him feel excluded from some quality Bro-time (yes, I am probably watching too many “How I Met Your Mother” episodes).

Yesterday, there was a special event at the hospital with lots of yummy catered food, so I used a fancy container and packed up a nice, big piece of cake, along with some bacon-wrapped appetizers and fruit, and took it to Jimmy’s lab after work. He was thrilled! And I was happy that I had the opportunity to surprise my husband with something small that he seemed to really appreciate.

I will admit that it is becoming somewhat more difficult to continue holding my tongue and to continue thinking more intentionally about things that Jimmy appreciates. This Love Dare is supposed to build upon each day, which is good, I know, because love in a relationship is not a sprint; it is an endurance run. Thank God I am not responsible for loving Jimmy based on my own holiness or will-power! Instead, I am dependent on God’s Holy Spirit inside me, “for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure” (Phil 2:13, NASB), and I have the greatest example of love to be inspired by and to follow after: “walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God” (Eph 5:2, NASB).

For today, Day 4, the Challenge is based on Psalm 139:17-19, “How precious also are Your thoughts to me. . . . How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.” Okay, so this passage actually refers to us cherishing God’s immeasurable thoughts and ways, but it does teach something basic and profound about love: Love thinks! Love requires intentional thoughtfulness. Loving thoughts precede and lead to loving actions.

The Challenge: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

Sounds simple enough…right? We’ll see! I will also continue to practice being patient, being kind, and being un-selfish. Please continue to pray! Thanks! More to come tomorrow…

Love Dare - Day 1

2010-02-23T11:37:00.006-06:00

Love is Patient.

While this may sound cheesy, I have decided to “give up myself” for Lent this year and start on a 40-day challenge to serve and to love my husband. This “Love Dare” was depicted in the 2008 movie, Fireproof, as a means through which a husband and wife, on the brink of divorce, reconcile not only with each other, but with God.

I decided to start this challenge simply because I want to learn how to love my husband more and prioritize our marriage. The DJ’s on a local radio station, KLOVE, just recently finished completing the Love Dare in time for Valentine’s Day, and, while I missed many of their daily updates, the idea of putting into practice Biblical principles on taking care of my marriage stuck with me.

Jimmy and I are about to have our first baby, and already, life has seemed to speed up. Our days blur together, the weekends fly by too quickly, and in an instant, we’re suddenly only a few months away from having our lives change forever. I’m afraid that prioritizing our marriage will only get harder as the years progress.

So, here I am! Day 1 – completed!

The Challenge: Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret.

The challenge is based on Ephesians 4:2, “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love (NIV),” which reinforces the idea that love is built on two pillars: patience and kindness (which will be addressed on Day 2). Love inspires us to be patient – to intentionally choose to respond in a positive way to a negative situation; to be slow to anger; to listen first and to extend mercy; to control my emotions instead of allowing my emotions to control me.

Ironically, after I brought up this Love Dare idea to Jimmy, we ended up getting into an argument. This was on Saturday, actually, and I initially wanted us to both go through the challenge; however, Jimmy had other concerns on his mind. What then ensued may have been sparked by this topic, but ended, an hour later, with lots of tears and tissues, on several completely different things.

Instead of listening to him and praying for discernment, I defensively shot back at every statement Jimmy made. Then, after he politely asked that I allow him to finish his sentences without me interrupting, I sat back in a huff and decided I was going to not respond at all, giving him the silent treatment to see how long he would take it (I know, very mature) (Just an FYI, Jimmy apparently can withstand an eternity of silence without ever feeling awkward).

At the end of that day, we both realized that we needed to communicate with each other more. Our schedules have gotten so busy that we hadn’t really given ourselves substantial times to re-connect.

So yesterday, for Day 1 of the Dare on being patient, I resolved to listen and to hold my tongue. When Jimmy suggested a change in dinner plans (even though I had already planned out our groceries and menu for the week and the chicken had already been defrosting in the fridge), I decided to let him make the decision. The chicken will stay good for another day, really. When we went to meet our neighbors in the complex, I let him take the lead in planning who to visit first and in making the introductions. And later, when he fell asleep, exhausted, on the couch after dinner, I decided not to leave the dirty dishes for him (usually I cook and he cleans) and took care of the cleanup!

There was only one moment in which…maybe I could have been more positive…but that was when I asked him to wash his face before going to bed. He was tired and just wanted to move from the couch to the bed, but I insisted – does that count as being negative? It was really for his benefit…

Anyway, so today will be Day 2 – Love is kind.

The Challenge: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

Will update tomorrow on how things go! I’m already thinking of ideas! Pray for us -- this will be exciting!

Pregnancy Week 10: Kumquat

2009-11-14T18:21:00.012-06:00

It was 3:30am, and I was awake eating a bowl of pasta. If that alone wasn't sign enough of me being preggers, then all the times getting up in the middle of the night to go pee also made the message clear:

THINGS ARE CHANGING!

A question that I am routinely answering now is, "How's the pregnancy going?" And funnily enough, I'm amazed at how my answer will change from week to week.

Some of the consistent changes have been:

1. Chronic fatigue -- My doctor jokes that even if I sleep 12 hours, I'd still wish that I could sleep 12 hours more. This has taken awhile to get used to, because I am used to being fairly active. Fortunately, a friend of mine, Meredith, wisely reminded me that during pregnancy, the amount of energy my body uses in just one day is the same as if I were hiking up a steep mountain. It's just all happening internally. Makes sense.

2. Waves of Nausea -- not a fun thing to endure when your job requires you to interact with people all day long (although I do have a new level of empathy for those who come into the hospital with this symptom). Thankfully, this period of pregnancy is supposed to be ending...

3. Bloating -- in my face, my abdomen, my everywhere-a-woman-does-not-want-inflated.

4. Strange "this-has-never-happened-before" Happenings -- I got mysteriously sick and it knocked me out for almost two weeks! It felt like the flu, but there was no fever, so my PCP just wrote me a Rx for allergy meds. Ridiculous. I also woke up one night with extreme abdominal cramping that lasted an hour. I felt like I was in an hour-long crunch. It brought me to tears, and Jimmy had to lift me upright in order to feed me some Tylenol. We learned later that it was my uterine wall expanding, which caused my abdominal muscles to literally pull apart (oh, THAT'S ALL.). Also, I got an ear infection and a goiter (ok, it was really just a swollen lymph node), and I've had to put ear drops in my ear 4x/day for the past 10 days. Feels like I'm 6-yrs-old again.

5. Strong Convictions about Food -- Exhibit A: Papa Johns story. I've also noticed that I will crave very specific dishes: spicy beef noodle soup, shrimp spring rolls, beef tendon pho, pork & leek dumpling soup, beef pad thai, Which Which Buffalo Shrimp, Gardetto's... And when I get hungry, I get hungry FAST and will need to eat IMMEDIATELY. Unfortunately, I'm unable to eat very much in one sitting, so I end up eating mini-meals every 2-3 hrs throughout the day. My desk at work has become a make-shift snack pantry, and I'm sure it reeks of food smells but my co-workers don't say anything about it.

Overall though, even with all these "exciting" changes, I will have to say that I am thankful. God does not cease to change me and amaze me!

This week, my baby is a little over 1" long and is the size of a kumquat!

Its vital organs are now all functioning! My favorite is still his tiny little heart that flickers so fast on the sonogram! According to BabyCenter.com, the "baby's limbs can bend now. His hands are flexed at the wrist and meet over his heart..." I like to imagine this is his "just chillin'" position. In the most recent sonogram we got two days ago, we saw our baby dancing (he must get this from his mommy)!!

Also, I have come to realize just how good of a husband God has given me. Jimmy has been nothing but patient and gracious, kind and tender to me, his crabby, tired, and hungry wife. He has taken up a lot more of the work-load around the home, along with becoming my personal snack-deliverer, even if it requires him to make a "spontaneous" run to HEB first. More importantly, he always knows what to say to comfort me while directing me to keep things in perspective.

It was perfect-timing by God that this last week's Bible Study lesson was over Perseverance. Yes! It feels as if I am persevering everyday to not complain (incessantly) about my discomfort (see #1-5 above), while trying to hold onto the Truth that GOD IS IN CONTROL, and HE CARES! I don't know how this baby managed to grow from being a Blueberry to a Kumquat, nor do I know how to keep it growing, but God does! "For by Him all things were created...visible and invisible...all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." (Colossians 1:16-17, NASB)

I pray that God will keep our baby healthy, and also that God will help me keep myself healthy. I pray that God will prepare Jimmy and I to effectively love and nurture this baby, and to raise up our child in Truth and grace. I pray for myself, to be a respectful wife and wise mother. And I pray for faith and obedience, so that I might surrender what God wants me to let go of and do what He wants me to do. Will you pray with me on these things?

Jimmy & I will post the video of our little Kumquat soon! He actually looks like a little Gummi Bear in the sonogram, heehee!

Seven Weeks Later...

2009-10-28T20:09:00.006-05:00

Well my friends, Jimmy & I have something to share...

Tandem Bike Marriage

2009-06-24T15:46:00.006-05:00

Yup. That was me and Jimmy, biking over the Golden Gate Bridge this past weekend (well, that's not literally us in the picture, obviously). Go ahead. Laugh. My co-workers sure did!

In spite of looking dorky, I thought I’d share how riding tandem taught me a little more about Biblical Marriage:

Immediately upon receiving the bike from the rental shop, I shoved Jimmy aside and yelled, “I wanna be in the front!” Jimmy stepped back, and I hopped onto the front-seat. I grabbed hold of the handlebars, set my right foot on the pedal, and pushed off! We almost immediately fell over.

Not a problem. We got up, and I repositioned myself, and pushed off again! Fail. After at least four more attempts of balancing, pushing off, having Jimmy sit on the bike, having Jimmy get off the bike, I finally surrendered the front steering back to my husband, embarrassed and humbled.

Jimmy waited for me to settle in comfortably onto the back saddle, hopped onto his front seat, and off we sailed! Granted, there was a little bit of screaming ‘oh my gosh we’re gonna die!’ from my end at first, but eventually, I calmed down and actually managed to enjoy myself.

So how does this relate to Biblical roles of headship and helper?

Wife: As a woman, I am always prone to desire control, just as Eve did in the Garden of Eden. Fear and distrust in the One who leads me (whether it be God or my husband) steers me to attempt to take matters into my own hands. Sometimes, things seem to work out momentarily, and other times, such as at the bike rental shop, things are pretty much just embarrassing.

Husband: As the man, sometimes, it’s easier to just let the woman go ahead and take control, do what she wants! Just like how Adam simply stood there, next to Eve, when she disobeyed God and decided to eat the forbidden fruit (Gen 3:6). (Okay, admittedly, Jimmy was likely just being nice in letting me try out steering. Not saying his action was rooted in sin, but for the sake of example, please follow.) Often though, when a husband submits to his wife’s leadership, his lack of leadership affects them both negatively (ie. We both fell off the bike).

Bible: So when a husband assumes the proper role for him as the head of the wife (Eph 5:23) and when a wife assumers her proper role as the ‘helper suitable’ (Gen 2:18) and submits to her husband’s leadership (Eph 5:23-24), the result is a seamless and very cooperative relationship!

Jimmy steered and looked out for any dangers, roadblocks, or sharp-turns. He also looked for good opportunities to stop and take photos or explore. I sat behind him, helping to pedal and carry our weight, and because I did not have to worry about looking ahead at the road, I was able to look around us and behind us, helping to identify any dangers or on-coming cars that Jimmy was unable to see from his perspective.

Yes, the fact that I could not directly see the road ahead was frightening – but I trusted that Jimmy was watching and paying attention and looking out for us, for me!
No, my handlebars could not steer us – but they did help to maintain our balance and prevent us both from falling.
Yes, we both needed to be pedaling in order to move forward. It wasn't just one person carrying all or most of the weight. (Something to note, there was also no 50-50 division of work. We didn't sit and identify, 'okay, how much is 50% effort for you and how much is 50% effort for me.' Each of us had to give 100% of what we could, in order to go!)
Yes, we both had different roles, but each role was needed for us to function in tandem, as a whole.

And that is about as deep as I go while riding tandem on vacation over the Golden Gate Bridge. Let me know your thoughts!

Marriage 101

2009-05-18T16:12:00.005-05:00

"And the Two shall become One flesh; so they are no longer two, but One flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." Mark 10:8-9

With a heavy sigh, I turned away from Jimmy and rolled onto my side of the bed. The alarm clock glared 2:00 AM in a harsh, blue glow that just made me even more irritated. Jimmy and I had been arguing for the past hour and a half.

We've talked about this before.
I know.

I feel alone.
...me too.

I was talking to an engaged friend of mine the other day, and she expressed how excited she was about getting married and about decorating her new home.

"Marriage must be so much fun -- aren't you having fun?" she asked.

I was hesitant, trying to be honest, but careful, "well, definitely, marriage is fun! But sometimes, it's also hard..." With wide eyes, my friend nodded earnestly, "oh yes! Re-painting all the walls will be hard!!"

As much as I laugh at that conversation, I must agree that oftentimes, that is truly the extent of what many of us imagine marriage to be: snuggling in a comfy new nest, enjoying fun vacations together, dining in fancy restaurants, and living life that will forever be free of worries.

Unfortunately, sometimes (and yes, there will be those times) the reality of bringing two lives together as One will create growing pains.

Two schedules joining to make One Life.
Two sets of preferences consolidating into One Home.
Two methods of communication merging into One Medium of Exchange.
Two different sets of expectations; Two different family up-bringings; Two different life-shaping experiences; Ultimately, two different PEOPLE coming together, joining together, to become ONE together.

How did I ever expect this to be easy?

Saturday evening, Jimmy and I finally turned to prayer and Scripture.

In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still
angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Do not let any unwholesome talk
come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up
according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Be kind and
compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God
forgave you.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Husbands, love your
wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..husbands
ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves
himself. (Eph 4-5)

What I'm learning is this: If God has brought me and Jimmy together, then God will indeed empower each of us to love and respect each other accordingly. It's not easy, but I honestly look forward to learning how to depend on God's ability and to trust in His sovereignty to grow in our marriage.

"Honey, We're Fat."

2009-03-18T09:38:00.001-05:00

Yep, it's true. As Jimmy stood in front of our dresser mirror, looking at his belly, I, too, realized that my clothes had been feeling a lot tighter in the recent months. It is, of course, always easier to quickly hush any of those silly questions and thoughts of unintentional weight gain.

Until, after stepping on the scale at the doctor's office, you ask if their calibration is off (old scales may not be accurate, right??).

Unfortunately, after stepping on several other scales at various other locations (including a standing scale at work, after the nurse rolled it back into the equipment room), I had to face the harsh reality: I've gained approximately 1.25 pounds per month of being married (that's 10 pounds in 8 months!!).

Say WHAT?? I definitely did not sign up for this!

Okay, so time seems to disappear when you get married (mainly, time at the gym). And maybe it's a good thing that I've grown comfortable enough with Jimmy that I'm no longer embarrassed to snack and watch tv for an entire weekend. And sometimes, I'm so proud of myself for re-creating a Martha Stewart meal that I can't help but have second helpings...and perhaps a third as a little snack later...

Alright, those things aside, the fact is, I am, indeed, a Dietitian, and I talk with people everyday about living a healthy lifestyle! More importantly, I am a Christian who is learning that yes, God cares about our physical bodies and instructs for us to carefully maintain it as a form of honoring Him!

Therefore, changes have to be made!

Good news is that Jimmy has also felt the weight on himself, and, miracle of all miracles, he agreed to get a gym membership! (FYI: 2-yr membership @ 24 Hr Fitness from Costco will cost only $290! That's ~$12.50 per month, holla!!)

So, starting from about two weeks ago, Jimmy and I have been waking up early every morning and going to the gym to exercise together. We've also slowly started to ease up on all the snacking (by "we," I mean "I"), and we've started to integrate even more fruits and vegetables into our daily routine (I console myself by thinking we had already been eating more servings of fruits and veggies than the average American).

Surprisingly, this has actually been a lot of fun! Working together as husband and wife to take care of our health has been so much more enjoyable than all my previous efforts in lifestyle modification for my own purposes. There's also nothing better than seeing the look of satisfaction and accomplishment on Jimmy's face, after a good workout.

Hopefully, in a few months, we'll be back to our trim, pre-wedding selves, and our pants will fit better! If anyone else wants to join us at the gym in the mornings, let us know! In the meantime, our home is also open for dinner, since I have still yet to learn how to cut back on the quantity that I cook at meals...(it's easier to cook for 6 than for 2, c'mon).

Return from Mars

2009-03-16T10:43:00.000-05:00

Hello my friends!

After a two-year-long hiatus, I have been compelled to resume blogging! Hooray!

Much has changed since my last post (dated to 2007!), and along with these changes, the focus of this blog has shifted. My hope is to use this space to share what God is teaching me, in regards to the news and current events, in regards to marriage, in regards to working in a hospital, and in regards to friendships and conversations.

I hope that this blog might encourage you who read it, as well as stimulate more conversation. Please always feel free to share your thoughts as well!

Looking forward to our times ahead!

I Got Published!!

2007-08-08T09:08:00.000-05:00

...on a website, at least.
This last month, I've been working with a Dietitian who specializes in Eating Disorders and Sports Nutrition. She works with the university's Womens' Athletics Department, and she is also one of the professionals who contributes regularly to a local triathlete website, http://www.trifacts.com/ .
Using resources of the American Dietetic Association, I created some sports nutrition tips for the triathlete website, and yesterday, I found out that my tips were posted! The two most current tips under "Nutrition Tip of the Week" were contributed by me!
What a great feeling to know that my work wasn't just seen as some amateur-joke-of-a-project!

I'm also finalizing a couple of handouts on calcium and iron sources, so if you're interested in those, ask me and I'll be more than happy to send 'em to you. Ladies, you're all more at risk for diseases and problems caused by low calcium and iron stores, so make sure you're getting enough of those minerals everyday!

"Mother Nature," Lady Bird Johnson

2007-07-12T00:40:00.000-05:00

Claudia Alta Taylor Johnson
1912-2007

Rest in peace.

Final Tribute will be held at the LBJ Library this weekend, starting on Friday.
Public Schedule can be found here: http://www.ladybirdjohnsontribute.org/visitors.hom/schedule.htm (times should be posted soon, since they were already announced on CNN earlier today).

Let me know if you'd like to go pay respects together.

Update on VTech Reaction: Petition

2007-05-11T00:29:00.000-05:00

My sister has started an online petition, "Clements Against Expelling the Innocent," to stand against the Principal's decision to expel the high-school senior. Please read more about the petition and sign it by clicking this link:

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/ClementsAgainstExpellingTheInnoc/

Please also pass this link on to others. Many groups have already started their own petitions, including Groups on Facebook. I encourage everyone to please sign the above petition, because it will be printed and sent to the school (and because school administrators most likely do not have a Facebook account).

In the meantime, my aunt just called to inform me that our friend, the Senior, is being offered a summer internship at a video-game design company. Ain't that something?

Death-Dealer

2007-05-09T23:27:00.000-05:00

Completely random post, but just wanted to share that in the last 48 hours, Apartment 124 has sadly witnessed three deaths.

Here's a picture of a couple of the kids on Monday evening:

Lenny was first to go on Tuesday afternoon:

Baby Khoi was discovered floating around early this morning, and Baby Carolyn unfortunately left sometime today during the hours of 9am-4pm.

In my defense, I was waiting for my roommate to get fish food from her friend. In the meantime, I was hoping that goldfish might also like eating nutrients from Gerber Daisy stems...
Good thing I can return the $4.32 Water Conditioner I bought for them yesterday.

A Petsmart employee informed me that goldfish need 1 gallon of water for every 1" of body mass -- they grow up to be about 12" -- and that for me to keep even one goldfish in a half-gallon vase would be like "trying to stuff an infant in a shoebox...the sheer, physical stress will kill the fish." Goldfish can supposedly live up to 2-3 years, IF they're given a proper-sized tank and environment. After receiving a long, stern look of condemnation and hints that I buy at least a 29-gallon fish tank for my two goldfish (I didn't mention that I actually had three), I left, not believing in all the sales propaganda.

Looks like Jeff at Petsmart was right.

I'm glad that I took my roommate's suggestion of picking out the dead ones with disposable chopsticks, because now, thinking about sushi is actually making me nauseous.

R.I.P. Lenny, Baby Khoi, and Baby Carolyn

Update on VTech Reaction: Sticky Politics

2007-05-02T08:10:00.000-05:00

The situation with my friend's expulsion is now turning into an unfounded political drama. My sister does a good job of explaining it to you and giving you ways to respond. Here is her update, posted on Facebook:

A Life Tied Up In Politics

I'm not one to get particularly fervent in political matters, and perhaps that makes me a bad American, but when something hits home, it's time to get off the couch and do something.

If you have kept up with my sister's note "The Expected Race-Related Reaction," you know that something has in fact hit home: a family friend was recently expelled for creating a Counterstrike game with his school's backdrop, and after getting labeled a "terrorist" by his principal, he was sent to an "Alternative Education Center" and banned from his graduation at the end of this month.

The game? An Anti-Terrorist fighting a Terrorist (that's two characters) in a high school backdrop, Counterstrike style. The alleged "weapons" found (without a warrant but with consent) in his house? A hammer he used to fix his broken bed. The charges? None. The damage he caused? None. The damage caused on him? Expulsion, "terrorist" label, rumors and gossip, a jeopardized future.

Last week, my parents and ~70 other Asian-Americans attended the Board's general meeting to voice their concerns about Asian-American treatment (as you cannot discuss specific matters in a general session). My father communicated that in light of the VTech tragedy, we as a community should be united, not quick to prosecute without "firm and unquestionable evidence." That is a quote put in the correct context of his speech, unlike Bob Dunn's article in which he misquoted my father and extracted quotes at his leisure:
http://www.fortbendnow.com/news/2847/chinese-community-rallies-behind-student-removed-from-clements-over-pc-game-map

Then come this past Monday, my family friend's situation was scheduled to be discussed during a special session; instead, politics happened. How, you may ask, is this a political matter? I still have trouble figuring this out, but Fort Bend politicians have managed to turn a student's expulsion into a political battle. The school board has successfully put their own hidden agenda in the forefront and on the headlines, claiming foul play in garnering votes for re-election and staging boycotts at Board special meetings. Apparently, seeking justice for a high school senior is actually about getting the Asian vote, and that's the real important issue at hand. You can read a somewhat biased account of the politics here:

http://www.fortbendnow.com/news/2848/parents-pack-boardroom-fbisd-trustees-boycott-meeting

School Board President Steve Smelley and trustees Cynthia Knox, Sonal Bhuchar, and Laurie Caldwell refused to attend Monday's special session in protest, accusing fellow Trustees Lisa Rickert and Stan Magee of manipulating votes for re-election. They allege that Rickert and Magee made under-the-table promises to secure votes for their upcoming re-election, subsequently violating a number of codes, and in response, Smelley et. al. strategically skipped a meeting he called himself.

With all this talk about politics, I can see how easy it is for Board President Smelley to forget about the expelled student with a now-tainted reputation. Who cares that each week of the boycotting shenanigan takes one week from a senior's education at his high school? Who cares that a student's quest for justice is instead made into a platform for political gain?

The head of the School Board doesn't seem to care, nor the superintendent, nor other under-informed residents of my hometown (Channel 14 has now picked up the story and is running the news based off of the superintendent's views and information).

But I care, and I hope you do, too. I hope you care enough to get informed and get in action to support who really matters: a person - my family friend. Take action and make comments on the website listed above, pushing resolution of the STUDENT'S issue, not the Board's.

Contact the Board President Smelley, letting him know that pointing fingers and twisting politics is an irresponsible use of power, as a student's future is at stake.

Board President Steve Smelley
ssmelley@fortbend.k12.tx.us

phone: 281-261-6856
http://www.zoominfo.com/search/PersonDetail.aspx?PersonID=76635684

Contact Superintendent Jenney and let him know that you do not approve of the politicking going on and ask him to base decisions on FACTS and evidence, not politics of fear and paranoia.

Superintendent Tim Jenney
superintendent@fortbend.k12.tx.us
phone: (281) 634-1000
http://www.zoominfo.com/Search/PersonDetail.aspx?PersonID=27389543&QueryID=3a8a143b-22f5-437a-a765-1e3299dc725b

While you're at it, go ahead and contact everyone else:
CHS Principal Kevin Moran
Kevin.Moran@fortbend.k12.tx.us
phone: 281-634-2156

Contact other Board Members:
http://www.fortbend.k12.tx.us/board/meet.cfm

Let these decision makers know that yes, we the "little people" are still important, and when united, we can make a difference. We cannot be bullied and discouraged by those in power and we will not let a gross misuse of the political system deter us from seeking truth and justice.

Take action. Contact Mr. Smelley and Mr. Jenney. Remind them that a high school senior's future is at stake, and a life is more important than politics.

Please take action. Thanks.

Update on VTech Reaction: Meeting with the Board

2007-04-23T10:00:00.000-05:00

Tonight, my family friend and my family will be presenting their view on the situation to the school board and the district superintendent. As of now, no legal action has been taken yet, since our friends are still hoping to resolve the issue internally, within the school system. As I mentioned in a previous comment on the Facebook Note, only the superintendent has the authority to overturn the decision made by the school's principal.

An update on the situation:
Although my friend was expelled from his school, he is still allowed to receive his high school diploma. However, he is not allowed to attend his graduation ceremony, since he is currently deemed a "threat" to his fellow classmates and teachers. Until the school year ends, he must attend a behavioral-correction school.

I urge all my Brothers and Sisters to please pray for the meeting tonight. Please pray for resolution, for justice, and for peace. Thank you to everyone who has posted with legal advice and information, and I appreciate everyone's dialogue about the different issues this situation has uncovered. I'll keep you all posted.

The Expected Race-Related Reaction

2007-04-20T00:19:00.000-05:00

So my mom just called me with some upsetting news of a family friend at home. Our friend's teenage son, who is currently a senior in high school and about to graduate in one month, was expelled from his high school today because of a computer game background he created one year ago.

The background of the game is a picture of a map of his high school, and the game involves violence and shooting -- not surprising. I have friends and peers in college who still stay up all night playing these types of computer games with hundreds, if not thousands, of people online. Our friend's son figured out a way to impose the image of his school's map onto the game's interface, and, a year ago, he was praised by all his peers for his big, cool, accomplishment.

Of course, in light of the VTech tragedy and the repeated specification of the killer's South-Korean ethnicity and introverted personality, there is always the very high probability that, for the time being, any male of Asian descent will be regarded somewhat...differently...by others of non-Asian descent. I am Chinese, so naturally, this was something I considered when news of VTech first broke out. My family friend is also a shy, somewhat introverted, Chinese male. As it happens, another student from his high school was playing the computer game a couple days ago, when the student's mother busted him. As soon as this student's mother realized the nature of the game and read the name of the game's proud creator at the bottom of the screen, she called the school and reported my friend.

Yesterday, my family friend was given a 3-day suspension. This morning, while he was at home, his parents received official notice that he was being expelled from school.

I am very troubled with this situation, and I am disappointed with the response of my former high school. It saddens me to think of how distressed my friend and his family may be, and at the same time, my heart is also mourning with the nation. I don't know how else to respond at this point, other than to pray for justice and peace for all the families involved and all the people affected. Just thought I'd share this with you all though. Will post more soon.

George Lucas in Love

2007-02-28T07:53:00.001-06:00

A cute short-film that anyone who's ever watched any Star Wars film might enjoy.
(hope you don't mind the subtitles espanol)

Had the Courage All Along

2007-02-26T22:33:00.000-06:00

Today marks the day I felt my first sense of accomplishment since starting my rotation at TNR Hospital. I spoke directly to a doctor and told him my recommendations for a certain patient, and he wrote down my recommendation and changed up the diet order right there on the spot! Of course, it took me a full 30 minutes to work up the courage to even approach him.

Usually, the Dietitians and other members of the health care staff simply fill out forms to request the MD to change or add things for patients, and no one ever has to actually interact with the physician (heaven forbid the MD waste precious time). The doctors can simply go in and out and hurry about their important business, without having to deal with people like me who would most likely have a verbal diarrhea of "um's" and other unprofessional things to say.

But today, the doctor for my patient was at his desk, and my patient seriously needed to have his diet order changed (he was only getting 80% of his protein needs met, and his tube-feedings were being stopped repeatedly for therapy), so I took a deep breath, reviewed all my notes, and walked over to him.

He looked real busy with some charts and probably needed more time with them, so I decided to go back to my desk space and let him have a few more minutes to deal with all that instead.

This happened a few more times before, finally, the fear of getting caught in traffic on the way home forced me to suck up my nervousness and actually speak up. Our conversation went something like this:

me: *clearing throat* um, *cough* Dr._____, I was wondering if you could change Mr. ____'s diet order to --

Doctor: *takes the request form* oh yeah, this guy. *opens chart* what's he on again?

me: ...umm...(STOP SAYING UM'S!!) oh! Glucerna @ 70cc/hr. (WAIT. Is that right?? Am I talking about the right patient? WHAT AM I DOING AGAIN??)
me: he's not getting enough protein, because he needs about 104g but he's only getting...around...84...(Are you actually paying attention to what I'm saying?? Dangit! Sound more certain!)

Doctor: so, you want to change him to bolus feedings with continuous feedings at night...No. Let's just move him straight to bolus. What should we do?

me: ...
me: um, hold on, I'm going to get my...stuff...

I did actually run off to grab my calculator and cheat sheet for tube-feeding formulas, all the while hoping that no one could see the flames shooting out of my head and burning up my face.

No worries though, because luckily, I had just followed-up on a patient earlier whose diet pattern was similar to this patient, so I was able to come up with a diet order, including protein supplementation, all in less than 15 seconds -- right in front of the doctor! He wrote down my recommendation in 5 seconds, signed off on it, and went back to his work.

I walked away glowing.

Brief Photo Update

2007-02-19T22:19:00.000-06:00

Sorry I haven't updated since November. Life has kept me busy. I'm suprised that at least one person (namely, Fung) felt strongly enough to have posted TWO comments demanding an update (although I suspect it's mostly to alleviate the boredom of torts & sorts...).

So here's a very brief summary of my life in the past four months:
Sunny Graduated
Birthdays were celebrated:
My love for dark beers was deepened [@St. Arnold's Brewery]:
My full-time Dietetic internship started!
and the Chinese New Year of the Boar (that's me!) was celebrated:

I've been meaning to update for awhile now, but if you know me, I tend to not start anything unless I have it all perfectly planned out in my head -- which usually results in me always intending but never doing. This semester, however, has actually been filled with exciting developments and discoveries that I'd like to share, so I will make it a point to update more frequently.

Upcoming Events:
I'll be co-hosting this year's AACM Talent Show this Saturday night, and the most important (and scariest) part of it all is that my co-host and I will be sharing the Gospel to 1000+ people! Currently having mixed thoughts about that, but overall pretty excited.
I've also already booked my flight over to Cali for Spring Break, and I'm currently in the process of setting up "networking interviews" with some of the hospitals and Dietitians over in the area.

So until the next time I decide to put off sleep and further develop this discipline called blogging, good night.

Love Hurts, Owch

2006-11-13T18:30:00.000-06:00

While discussing pneumothorax today in class, my Medical Nutrition Therapy professor told us a story about a student in her class a few years back who was preparing for her wedding.

During the ceremony rehearsal, her soon-to-be-husband accidentally pricked her while trying to pin-on her corsage (don't ask me why they were pinning a corsage onto the bride, because I don't know). They just laughed it off, properly pinned the flower on, and then proceeded with the rehearsal.

As the ceremony progressed, however, the bride started to feel faint and had trouble breathing, and good thing there was a physician in the wedding party, because after she was rushed to the ER, it was discovered that somehow, the pin-prick actually punctured a HOLE into her lung and she had pneumothorax!!

Moral of the story #1: guys should not handle sharp objects.
Moral of the story #2: don't wear a corsage on your wedding dress.

A Peek at My Personal Problems

2006-11-06T14:43:00.000-06:00

(from a Season 3 episode of Scrubs, Dr.Cox talking with Carla)

"What do you do when you get scared?"

" There is no Shangri-La, you know. Every relationship is messed up. What makes it perfect is if you still want to be there when things really suck."

"You know, well, I'm not so sure."

"It'll come to you."

Relationships can be a shocker sometimes. Once you get past the he's-so-great-she's-so-great-oh-baby-I-love-you-kiss-to-make-up phase, you'll realize that ultimately, relationships are about choices. It's your choice whether or not you want to continue on down a path with someone after you both realize that your differences actually stem from a deeper, not-so-easily-resolved conflict, just like it's your choice whether or not you want to continue down that same path with someone knowing that honesty, more often than not, is painful. Sometimes, you just have press on and hope that when the time comes, you'll make the right choice.

Cry Baby

2006-11-01T17:44:00.000-06:00

This was me today, in front of my Research Writing professor, after she marked up my presentation and research paper to the point where basically every other sentence had a pen mark through it with a correction above it. Somebody please save me. I have reached my breaking point.

The Answer is Glucose

2006-10-18T17:45:00.000-05:00

My research writing professor was wondering aloud with me today about how some of the freshmen in her Intro to Nutrition class don't understand the concept of studying for a test. One of her students actually made a score of 10 on her 100pt. exam.

"How does one actually make a score of ten on a college-level test??" my prof asked. "There are some questions that are simply basic, general science questions, such as, for example, 'the main fuel that red blood cells use are_____?' "

She looked at me expectingly.

"...ox..ygen?..."

"..."

In my head, I yelled profanities.

Fearing Love

2006-10-16T00:09:00.000-05:00

In regards to being guarded towards experiencing love, Matt Blackwell, the college pastor at EviFree, once said, "I might fear experiencing love because with love comes the knowledge of who I am."

Evidently, this is true of me.

Matt continued to explain that it is the "fear of vulnerability, of having my flaws exposed or found out by the other person, because with the exposure comes the fear that the other person might leave me for someone else who is more worthy, who does not have the flaws which I possess."

1 John 4:18 says that, "there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love."

I find that in many ways, my lack of understanding of God's love affects how I view and respond to Shane's love.

Whoever sang that "love is a many splendid thing" definitely left out the part about humility.

Breaking Fast and Friendship Disclaimer

2006-10-11T13:51:00.000-05:00

I broke my fast today because I couldn't survive without coffee =(. DOES ANYONE ELSE FIND THAT TO BE SAD?? My fast started...I'm gonna say last night, after my last few pieces of chocolate, and it effectively ended this morning at 11am, after I struggled for the eternity of 3.5 hrs since my alarm went off. *sigh* I simply couldn't focus and shake off my sleepiness! I still have a long way to go in terms of fully understanding what Paul says in 2 Corinthians about God's power being made perfect in our weakness and His grace being sufficient for us. How does that really look anyway? At least I still managed to somewhat pray for the people who've been on my heart, even if those prayers were sprinkled with random thoughts about North Korea or research writing. If only we could fast and pray (and do everything else) as perfectly as Jesus could.

In other news, it's been over a month since my very first blog post, and I'm sure that my audience of six has either removed me from any RSS feeds or completely forgotten about my existence. Here's my attempt to get myself back onto the map and also to explain my lack of postings.

This is my life in a nutshell:

School - clinical rotation (a.k.a. spending hours in the hospital working with patients and then spending hours outside of the hospital analyzing and assessing their status and nutritional needs) and research writing (which has effectively killed my self-esteem and self-efficacy in being a competent, logical human being) take up the bulk of my days, with a few hours of medical nutrition therapy case studies or visits to foodservice facilities here and there for my other two classes. I'm also taking a theology class which I am completely loving but am totally behind in all the readings and assignments. The rest of my day might be occupied with...

...Discipleship Group(s) - I have nothing to complain about in this category =) . I'm being led by the same Discipler from last year (whom I completely adore and love!), and I'm leading a Bible Study for the very first time since High School. Although I'm always nervous before, during, and after my DGroup times, I enjoy spending time with the girls, and interacting with them always make me feel alive and refreshed. I really hope that our group will fall in love with the Bible (God's Word) and discover a completely new and profound aspect to God's love this year, so that by summer, we'll be transformed women who love God with whole hearts! My secret theme (which, I suppose isn't so secret anymore) is transformation! So watch out!!

Exercise - um, my activity level has decreased from previously running 5-6 miles for 5x a week to...walking up and down Dean Keeton to and from my classes in Gearing. This has served to do two things: make my legs slimmer, but only because my muscles have all atrophied. So I'm not sure whether to be happy or sad. I am however, concerned with how my low activity levels affect my overall health and nutritional status, which is actually more important to me than looking good (for once in my life!). Hopefully, I'll start to get my act together with the previous two things and I'll be able to integrate physical activity back into my daily routine again.

Diet - this sucks. I'm completely ashamed to call myself a nutrition student, since I've practically replaced all fruits & vegetables for coffee, sugar, and fat. Ordinarily, I wouldn't mind eating a cinnamon roll with coffee for breakfast one morning, but I've noticed that I've begun to have that type of meal for breakfast, and then for lunch, and then for snack, and then for dinner...not good. This has also got to change.

Health - if you've seen me in the last three weeks, then you already know that I have been one big, mucus-infested bacteria factory. I caught the remnants of my dad's cold three weeks ago, when I visited home, and the combination of (little sleep) + (poor nutrition) + (chronic stress) + (little exercise) has nicely helped me to make me the grossest classmate to be around. I'm finally better now (almost), so I've started to hug people again. Don't hold me liable though, if you do happen to get sick.

Social life - you can assess this area however you want, because I think it's too sad for me to sum up. Of the handful of friends I have left here (friends meaning, people who'll still make an effort to call me to hang out, even though most of the time, I end up having to decline their invitations), I see them about once every two weeks, because they'll tell me two weeks ahead of time to schedule them in. So if you didn't think the coffee-addiction was sad, you must definitely find this to be. The bright side to this is that pure exhaustion is a good-enough excuse to not go downtown, which I haven't really desired to frequent anymore, and usually, I'm passed out by 11pm on weekends anyway. Well, another unexpected upside to this diminishing circle of friends is that I am getting to know the girls in my DGroups and in my Coordinated Program class a lot more, so hooray =D! So, if you've been under the impression that I've been too busy for you, well, you're probably justified in thinking so, but I hope it's known that I thrive off of conversations and relationships, and those things provide meaning and fulfillment for me. Please don't hesitate to keep in touch!

So I suppose this wasn't really my life in a "nutshell," but I promised myself that I'd only take 30 minutes to work on this post, and I have two minutes left. The school year so far has been very stressful, but at the same time, very blessed, because I've been challenged and stimulated in many ways. It looks as if this time is a start for many new beginnings, and even though it might not appear this way, I am, in fact, very excited about what the future holds. I promise to post again soon! Peace out.

Silver and Gold

2006-09-08T11:03:00.000-05:00

I revisited a good friend early this morning. It's been months since we'd spent time together, but, just like how two best friends can quickly catch up after ages of not seeing each other, all the nervousness quickly disappeared as the familiar sound of gravel crunching under my shoes fell in pace with my breathing, and my muscles began to warm up to the cool air embracing them.

What's delightful about catching up with an old friend is the way you see how much the other has grown, but are still able to recognize her distinguishing qualities and characteristics. I was reminded of all the things that I love about her.

I love the smells of the air: the green foliage, the dew, the dirt, and the sweat of hard work and inner-drive.
I love the way the surface of the lake ripples and mirrors the shining glory of the orange sun, still waking up to its full brightness and color.
I love how strong and powerful my legs feel, propelling me foward as the air whips and curves around them.

I didn't realize how much I had missed everything. The way my shoe rubbed against my achilles, slowly forming a hole in yet another sock. The local musician, whose skin now looks like that of The Old Man of the Sea, up and out as early as the most devoted runner, strumming his guitar and singing to every runner and four-legged friend jogging by. The way that I have to avert my gaze so that I don't blush at the barely-clothed guys' track team approaching me with their coach pedaling after them on a bike, telling them to press on. And the way the familiar curve of the trail leads me forward and around the lake, waking me up as the city streets from afar slowly come alive.

The visit lasted a little longer than I had originally planned, so I had to rush a little on the drive back home to make up for lost time. But that's okay. My friend had patiently waited a long time for my return, and tomorrow, we will catch up a little more again.