Labor of Faith

It was not a silent night;
there was blood on the ground.
You could hear a woman cry,
in the alleyway that night,
on the streets of David's town.

And the stable was not clean;
and the cobblestones were cold;
and little Mary full of grace,
with tears upon her face,
had no mother's hand to hold...

I attended an Andrew Peterson concert recently with a couple of dear friends, and, during a heart-stirring rendition of the song, "Labor of Love," the band projected a picture of Mary and Joseph's silhouettes, on their long and arduous journey to Bethlehem. Stage right of the band was a beautifully decorated Christmas tree, frosted with strings of fairy lights and tinged with hues of purples and blues.

I stared at the tree, and then back up to the image of Mary and Joseph, riding their lone donkey, in the middle of the vast and barren terrain. Alone. By themselves. So tiny and small. Tears began to swell, as I started to envision me and Jimmy, sitting by ourselves in our new apartment in California, while our family and friends merrily rang in the new year, hundreds of miles away.

Why are we going to California, God?? I wiped away tears of fear, trying to pretend that I was sniffling because of the song. My mind continued to spiral down depressing thoughts. To everyone else in this room, they're all focused on celebrating the Christmas season, and they have nothing else to occupy their energies. No one else has to pack up their entire life to move to a completely unfamiliar place, where they'll have no friends around! No one realizes how afraid I am! No one realizes how stressed and tired and overwhelmed I feel, and...that's all we'll have in California...no one.

...it was a labor of pain;
it was a cold sky above.
But for the girl on the ground in the dark,
with every beat of her beautiful heart,
it was a labor of love.

Noble Joseph by her side,
calloused hands and wearied eyes;
there were no midwives to be found,
on the streets of David's town
in the middle of the night.

So he held her hand and prayed,
shafts of moonlight on his face;
but the baby in her womb
He was the Maker of the moon,
He was the Author of the faith
that could make the mountains move...

A couple of days later, I dug up an old Christmas-time, daily devotional that I received in Echo, back in 2005 (thanks Leslie Chiang and Cheryl Fletcher!), and I started trying to meditate on Scripture each morning to refocus my perspective. There wasn't one passage in particular that instantly switched off my sour attitude; however, one night, as we were lying in bed, I started to retell my thoughts from the Andrew Peterson concert to Jimmy.

As I shared, I began to find comfort in the parallels between our life and Joseph and Mary's. Mary was already well-along in pregnancy when she and Joseph needed to up-heave their life to journey to Bethlehem, and, judging by the fact that they had to find shelter in a stinking stable, I'm assuming they didn't have family or friends in town. If I were Mary and heard about the census issued, I seriously would have been like, "WHAT THE HECK, GOD??" *point to swollen abdomen* "DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THIS??"

But Mary and Joseph trusted in the sovereignty of their God, and they obediently and faithfully set off on their journey. God knew His plans for them, and He knew His plan for their baby. He had His beautiful plan for humanity, and it was to come into fruition in Bethlehem.

I don't know what plans God has for us in California, nor do I know how long He will even keep us there. I don't know what friends we might find, or how profoundly this new chapter will affect our life. But I do know that my God is faithful, and that He loves us perfectly. Jesus is my proof.

With that reminder, I pray that the Holy Spirit will continue to keep my perspective in Christ, and that He would replace my attitude of complaint and fear with one of hope and thanksgiving.

...It was a labor of pain;
it was a cold sky above.
But for the girl on the ground in the dark,
with every beat of her beautiful heart,
it was a labor of love.

For little Mary, full of grace,
with tears upon her face,
it was a labor of love.

Life Change #3 - Moving

It's said that the four biggest life-changes that occur in a woman's life are marriage, the start of motherhood, moving, and the loss of a loved one. Well, I guess since I've already knocked out the first two, God's decided that it's time for the third major shake-up: moving.

Yup, in just a few weeks, I will officially be a California girl. Say what?! I still can't believe it either. We only signed the paperwork a couple weeks ago, and it's taken me awhile to digest the reality of it all. The journey we've come through over the past five months has been a tumultuous one, to say the least.

I'll admit that when Jimmy received his first opportunity to an interview in Boston, I was thrilled! Though I calmly kept my composure on the outside, I already started to fantasize about our family's new life on the East Coast. In fact, I'd even gone shopping for a new wardrobe! However, upon further discussions after Jimmy's return, we realized that, while the opportunity in Boston seemed professionally prestigious, we would have to sacrifice time for family, time for relationships, and time for each other. Boston was ultimately a no-go.

A couple weeks after that, Jimmy flew out for another interview, this time, in California. I secretly prayed for miraculous news from Boston. Unfortunately for me, Boston remained quiet. Over the next month, Jimmy and I finally decided that California would be the next step for our family. So-Cal is a mecca for Biomedical Engineering, the area we'll be living in is wonderfully family-friendly, and we already have plenty of relatives and friends in the state (albeit, a very large state).

Though our planning process and decision-making has all been logical, and, while I trust and believe that God is indeed leading us out West, I have felt, to be completely honest, disappointed.

I've always dreamt of moving to the Northeast. There is so much about the East Coast that I admire: history, diversity, lifestyle, hustle-and-bustle, seasons, the strive for excellence, the respect for efficiency (very appealing to the Type A personality in me). For so long, I've looked forward to one day making a life out there. So, right now, as a friend put it, I'm grieving the loss of my dream.

What's more is that, while I enjoy vacationing in California, I've never seen the lifestyle and culture as a good fit for me (or vice versa). I don't care for beaches, I don't care that the weather is consistent all year around, and I don't care about keeping up a lifestyle of appearing rich and glamourous. And strangely enough, don't judge, but...I'm also weary of the huge Asian population there (and fine. Maybe that's a reflection of my own identity issues, but regardless, as of now, I don't like it).

What's also incongruous about this whole situation is that part of the reason that Jimmy and I chose California as our destination is because we agreed that moving there would cause us to completely depend on God (thanks a lot, Francis Chan). I know it sounds like I'm complaining a lot (which, fine, I am, but let me have my vent right now), but I do sincerely believe that God is trustworthy and faithful. God and I have gone through enough together that I not only trust that He knows what He's doing, but that He's looking out for us, for me, just as I would for Chloe (but in a perfect and holy way).

So, my friends, we'll be packing and saying goodbye in the next few weeks. We're officially moving right after Christmas, but we'll be out of town as of December 18th. It's slowly sinking in that we're leaving, and I don't think I'm emotionally ready for farewells yet. I'll leave that for another post at another time. For now, I'll just share this:

There came a point in my life when I came to a fork in the road. One path was that of self-preservation: knowing that we would eventually move after Jimmy graduated, we could settle for superficial relationships, never commit to anything, and easily pick up and go whenever the time came. The other path required more effort to go down: we would have to be intentional with pursuing people, be present and vulnerable with others, and share our lives. The first path looked easy on the outside, but was ultimately rooted in fear. The second path was likely to feel scary at first, but would turn out to be the most life-giving, life-changing, and rich in love.

I'll always be thankful that God helped us to choose the latter.

Dear Chloe - about bedtime

My dear little Chloe-Bun,

Mommy just put you to bed, and I just want to journal these thoughts quickly before I lose them.

I truly cherish and enjoy the sweet moments that we have together, just before you go Night-Night. It's just you and me. The lights are dimmed down, your Polar-Bear humidifier is quietly humming, and the ceiling fan turns a modest, cool breeze. I'm holding you in my arms, and I'm singing your bedtime song, "Before the Throne of God Above."

Did you know that your bedtime song is the same song that Mommy walked down the aisle to, when Mommy and Daddy got married? It's a beautiful song that tells us about how much God and Jesus love us! We are not good enough to be with God, because God is always good, and He is holy. But because God loves us and wants us to be with Him, God made His son, Jesus, a human-being. Jesus obeyed God and died on a cross for us, so that afterwards, now, God always sees us as good, and we can be with Him! (Okay, if this is confusing for you, ask Mommy or Daddy to explain more.)

Nothing will ever change how much God loves you, just like nothing will ever change how much Mommy or Daddy love you. You are our beautiful, precious, sweet Chloe-Bun!

I love how, as I sing softly to you, you'll lean and rest your head onto my chest. Sometimes, you will sing along with Mommy. Sometimes, you're too sleepy, and will yawn and quietly listen. Other times, you still try to stay active, and you'll point at the door or other objects around the room, to try to get me to let you play. But I can always tell when you're tired, so I just continue singing, swaying, stroking your hair and your back, kissing you, and soothing you.

We really only have about five to seven minutes together, because afterwards, if Daddy or other people are over, everybody will come in quietly to pray a bedtime prayer with you. Then all your stuffed-animal friends will say "Night-night," one by one. It's really quite fascinating to watch you anticipate each one's kiss or hug, starting with Fatty, all the way to Pooh Bear. You're so kind.

Soon, you'll be too big for Mommy to carry and sway with while singing, and one day, you might feel as if you are grown-up enough to not need Night-Night time.

...okay, Mommy's not going to think about that day right now, because for now, you still enjoy it, and so do I. Aside from Jesus and Daddy, Chloe-Bun, you are God's greatest gift to Mommy that Mommy never even knew she wanted. I love you, my Love!

-Mommy.

May 5, 2011, Thursday.

Before the throne of God above,

I have a strong and perfect plea --

A great High Priest whose name is Love,

who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on His hands,

my name is written on His heart.

I know that while in Heaven He stands,

no tongue can bid me thence depart,

no tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair

and tells me of the guilt within,

upward I look and see Him there,

who made an end of all my sin!

Because a sinless Savior died,

my sinful soul is counted free!

For God, the Just, is satisfied

to look on Him and pardon me,

to look on Him and pardon me!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Praise the One, Risen Son of God!

Behold Him there, the Risen Lamb!

My perfect, spotless, Righteousness!

The great, unchangeable I AM,

the King of Glory and of Grace!

One in Himself, I cannot die.

My soul is purchased by His blood.

My life is hid with Christ on High,

with Christ, my Savior and my God,

with Christ, my Savior and my God!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Praise the One, Risen Son of God!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Praise the One, Risen Son of God!

Love Dare - Day 22

Love is Faithful

I wanted to bawl and punch Jimmy in the face at the same time. He was on the other end of the phone, waiting for an answer from me.

It was Friday night, and I had seen my husband for a grand total of about two hours since we arrived into Houston on Wednesday. We were in town for a business competition, and Jimmy had the MS 150 and another research experiment ahead of him in the upcoming week. Since Monday, I had been washing laundry, washing diapers, ironing shirts, preparing baby food, storing up milk, and packing -- packing for Jimmy's business competition, packing for Jimmy's bike race, packing for Chloe, and oh yeah, packing for myself. For anyone who doesn't yet know, getting out the door anywhere with an infant is already an ordeal in itself. Traveling to a different city to stay for several days? We might as well just move. It would take the same amount of effort.

After arriving in Houston, I'd driven to the Medical Center about fifty times, pumped out about four-hundred gallons of breast-milk for Chloe (so that my mom could feed her while I was out taking care of my husband's needs), pumped WHILE driving to the ONE REI that carried the white, Pearl Izumi Size Medium bike jersey that my husband absolutely needed in order to successfully ride the MS 150, and also somehow managed to help clean my parents' house, get groceries for them, and help cook.

To make things even more interesting, Jimmy's plans kept changing. First, we were only staying 'til Saturday afternoon. Then we going to have Chloe stay through Monday (which meant I had to start a breast-milk pumping marathon), while I dropped Jimmy off at the MS 150 mid-point in La Grange, and then return to Houston after the race. Now, at 10:00pm on Friday night, Jimmy called, asking if we could change plans for a third time. I felt like that god-forsaken Sisyphus, rolling that blasted boulder up that blasted hill in Hades.

I thought about the Challenge for Day 22, how "love is a choice, not a feeling," and how my vows to love Jimmy require daily commitment. I thought about it, and I wondered, "WHEN IN THE WORLD WILL IT BE MY TURN TO CATCH A BREAK??" I sincerely wanted to support Jimmy in his career, in his work, and in his extra-curricular interests; however,...

...I was honestly more concerned with how the change in plans was going to affect ME. After all, I was the one who would have to deal with Chloe's disrupted awake/sleep patterns; I was the one who would have to pack everything up to be ready to head out early on Saturday morning; I was the one who would have to coordinate Chloe's eat/sleep/play/poop schedule with driving ten-plus hours and with hosting out-of-town friends; and then I would have to haul everything back to Houston again.

Fear, weariness, and frustration started to bubble up in me. I told Jimmy I would have to call him back, and I quickly hung up the phone.

Lord, what do I do?? How am I supposed to be a supportive wife and a nurturing mother, when I am at the edge of my sanity?? Am I being selfish in just wanting some normalcy??

I called my aunt for some wisdom, and bless her heart for allowing me to interrupt her late-night meeting. She reminded me of these important facts:

1. the busyness was only a season...albeit, a month-long season, but still. It was only temporary.

2. Jimmy was working so hard because he was looking out for our family -- causing him to feel guilty about the "undue" stress I felt at the moment wouldn't affirm or encourage him as a man or as a husband.

3. the relationship between a husband and wife is more important than the relationship between a parent and child -- supporting Jimmy is priority over my desire to keep Chloe on a consistent routine.

Hard facts for me to swallow, but I knew they were true. I recalled how, just a couple weeks earlier, when Jimmy was wearily telling me of the upcoming busy season, I confidently assured him that I could take care of everything so that he could focus all his energies on his work. This was where the rubber met the road.

Lord, give me strength, guard my tongue, and keep me from believing lies of the Enemy. Help me to support and affirm my husband.

I called Jimmy. "Okay, we can leave early tomorrow...I love you."

Love Dare - Day 21

Love is Satisfied in God

"And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:19, NASB

This has been one of the most emotionally exhausting weeks of my life. My friend just aborted her 7-week-old baby today, and I am grieving, mourning. On top of that, Chloe suddenly spiked a fever of 102.6-degrees yesterday, and, though I am not anxious or panicked about it, simply giving extra TLC has required a lot of energy (and cleaning her one-jillion toys hasn't been quick either). All this compounded onto the fact that Jimmy and I have been on different pages for the past several weeks, and the constant miscommunications and misplaced expectations have been wearing my optimism thin.

Nonetheless, the Holy Spirit has continuously reminded me of the Challenge for Day 21, to intentionally make time to pray and read Scripture and to meditate on God's promises, so here I am, weeping.

I weep for my friend's unborn baby, whose life was willed into existence by the Lord (Revelations 4:11, NASB), and whose presence was skillfully woven and formed with wonder and reverence by God Himself (Psalm 139:13-15, NASB).

I weep for this baby, whose days were already numbered by God, even before conception (Psalm 139:16, NASB; Job 14:5, NIV).

I weep and ask God to remind me of His sovereignty and justness, that He answers the cries of the voiceless and carries the weak and afflicted (Psalm 82:3-4, 140:12, NASB).

I weep and ask God for His comfort, in hope that this baby, though just having passed through life here on earth briefly, is now back in the arms of his Creator Father, to spend eternity blissfully and peacefully with Him, perfect and complete (Colossians 2:10, NASB).

I pray for my friend's heart, that she would know that Jesus came and already died for her sins, and that by His blood, she is covered in God's forgiveness and grace (Romans 5:8-10, Colossians 1:13-14, Psalm 103:12, NASB).

I ask for God to strengthen Chloe's immune system, decreasing her fever and rebuilding her health.

I ask for wisdom and faith, that I would follow the Spirit's direction on how to care for the child God has given me.

I confess my self-centeredness, how I take out my frustrations on Jimmy, nitpicking my way through our home, as if the momentary sense of control I gain from that will somehow make everything right in the world (James 4:1-3, NASB).

I confess my lack of energy and desire to focus any attention on Jimmy or on my marriage, and I ask the Holy Spirit to manifest His generous love and steadfast spirit in me to tend to Jimmy's interests (Philippians 2:4, 13, NASB).

And in the midst of all my tears, heartache, and weariness, God reminds me of His faithfulness:

Know therefore that the LORD your God, He is God, the faithful God, who keeps His covenant and His lovingkindness to a thousandth generation with those who love Him and keep His commandments...The LORD's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I have hope in Him..." For as many as are the promises of God, in [Christ Jesus] they are yes (Deuteronomy 7:9, Lamentations 3:22-24, 2 Corinthians 1:20, NASB).

Amen, amen, amen.

Love Dare - Day 20

Love is Jesus Christ

"While we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly." - Romans 5:6

Today has been an emotionally rough day (Day 20), and it's barely even halfway through. Jimmy has been stressed for awhile, and yesterday was his breaking point. Chloe has been napping terribly through the weekend, and a sleepless baby makes for a tired family. I received a text from a dear friend this morning, regarding a very difficult, life-changing decision. Then my relative called, and we talked about the blessings and hardships of being a stay-at-home, full-time Mom, which brought about some introspection.

God, how do I support Jimmy when he feels disappointed and frustrated?

Am I doing what I can at helping us live within our means?

How can I encourage and affirm him in ways that are meaningful to him?

Where are we going to be in three months?

Is this start-up company a wise investment?

What in the world is going on with Chloe?

Why isn't she napping?

Am I doing something wrong?

Am I not doing something I'm supposed to be doing?

How do I lovingly respond to my friend?

How do I even begin to pray for her and the situation she's in?

Who am I to even say anything?

Did I make the right decision to stay at home?

What is my purpose as a mother and a wife?

Am I fulfilling that purpose?

Why do I feel like I need to defend my decision?

...and why do I feel so fat??

Okay, so it's pretty obvious that Satan threw that last one in there. Gotta be on my game in the daily battles (Ephesians 6:10-18, NASB; Philippians 4:8, NIV)!

Today is just one of those days. It's an endurance-building day. It's a day where I read Day 20 and really struggle to find peace and comfort in the Gospel...that Jesus did indeed recognize the hardships, the pain, the difficulties...the sin, permeating our lives, and He came to us to die for all of it, all of it! So what? Why is that meaningful? Where is the hope?

Where is the hope?

My hope is in the God who, although we were still His enemies (Colossians 1:21, NIV), still chose to bring us to Him (Romans 5:8, NIV). If this God loved us in spite of who we were and regardless of who we would become, could He not be trusted to work through every circumstance today, right now, for our good (Romans 8:28, NASB), as He promises?

Alright, this is about how much time I have for a post today. Chloe's awake again (having barely napped an hour), and she's wailing in her crib. Lord, here are the burdens I've been carrying and wrestling with today. Holy Spirit, please enable me to love my husband, to love my daughter, and to love my friend. Soften our hearts to Your presence, and lead us in Your loving ways.

Dare for Day 21: Be intentional today about making time to pray and read your Bible. As you do, immerse yourself in the love and promises God has for you.

God's timing couldn't be more perfect.

Love Dare - Day 19

Love is Impossible

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God." - 1 John 4:7, NASB

I confess: I've been putting off writing about Day 19's challenge, which essentially was to spend time with the Lord, asking Him to help me reflect upon my heart. I didn't want to, because I already knew what's there -- sin.

Recently, God has revealed to me yet another aspect of the sinful nature in me: I am proud. I seek the praise of others, and I depend on myself -- my own abilities to do it all and to have it all. I am a do-er, and, by the grace of God, I've been pretty good at it too, if you ask me. I can stay at home to nurse and raise a happy baby. I can keep the home tidy and clean, so that when my husband comes home, he can relax and feel comfortable, and when guests come over, they can be impressed. I can plan out healthy meals for the week, and then, in between juggling meals and naps for Baby and meeting friends, still make an efficient trip to get groceries. I can persevere through tough times, so that in the end, when others have quit, I can proudly look at my worn, beaten hands and say, "I did it!" I, me, I did it. I am, in summary, self-centered, and the idol I continuously worship is Me.

The problem is, I'm imperfect. I am impatient, unforgiving, bitter, envious, unloving, unkind, and easily angered. I will never be able to have everything in order, the way they're "supposed" to be. In the process of completing Project Me, all other relationships in my life either become tools to further my temple or decorations to showcase my own glory. Jimmy, as a result, becomes my scapegoat for when my day doesn't go as planned, or he constantly seems to fall short of my expectations for a perfect husband. He gets worn and beaten down, and I get frustrated and dissatisfied.

Well praise God for not allowing me to be deceived into believing that worshipping the god of Me would bring fulfillment or peace! In the past couple months, out of His kindness, God has knocked down the pillars of my own temple, in order to help me rebuild my home on Him, the only trustworthy and reliable Firm Foundation. On my own, truly loving Jimmy and seeking to build our marriage is impossible. With God's Holy Spirit in me, however, I am enabled to "will and to work for His good pleasure (Philippians 2:12-13, NASB)," and my marriage may be a healthy home to the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-25, NASB).

The Dare for Day 20 is pretty radical: "Dare to take God at His Word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation." I have already responded to God's call to trust Him with my life and salvation years ago; however, there is much to consider regarding whether or not I trust God to, let's say, love me unconditionally? Or to forgive me without leaving me in a continued state of guilt or shame? Or to take care of me completely? Interesting how this Love Dare that I thought is supposed to be directed from me to Jimmy also entails allowing God to direct me to Him...